the bored things

yea...so happy at my new blog mon...like totally man....decided to take a beak from differentiation...product rule and quotient rule and blah blah blah...full of bll man..out of 4 question i check in the ans key, none of them are correct...oh wells..thats so sean lee..no improvement in adv maths at all....always dreaming in class.hehe.yesterday, i watchedfinding forrester...quite an interesting show la....learnt some lesson bout life from there.yeaz...they say if u dun get something, u will turn out to b some sour grapes and whack all those who get it....izit true?ea i guess so..bitter feelings when u dun get something...the amount of fondness that u hav for that thing or person and then, u dun get it, it can all convert into a negative feelings...with the same amount....ah.its juz plain human and bloody petty of a human to do that yer know?oh wellz...the best option to do?dun bother thinking bout it.take ur mind off it as much as possible.of course thats escapism to u...i not talking bout problem...i talking bout that thing...forget it ever existed to u.and that u eva wanted to have that thing.that u eva couldnt get it.this way, u dun spend ur time in resentment ansd grief and hatred...and oso u can b a better person,wun hav some kind of grudge agst people who did not do anything to offend u ya?gd rite?juz once in a while rmb.then bury it again.thats a great solution.
shit...ia have to hand in on tuesday...nutballs.i hvaent started on it at all.like kangdi?if u reading this...can u get some results....?fake or real oo can...i juz need to hand in something thats decent.can liao.yea. i hav no aim to excel.man, i feel like a piece of waste.spking of which, my brother played the com las nite from 11pm till 8 in the morning today....thats almost 10 hours(stop counting).horrible.how can a person play com games till so late?
haiz screw bio man...i gonna go to law...hoohoo.or something near there la ok?go by way of spf.YEA.then get some rank thats more than a pathetic dsp(its not pathetic to cadets)...like get dac(deputy assistant commisioner)....or beta deputy commisioner...but thas almost unattainable mon.then juz sit at desk shake leg.dun respond to acsinpcc invitation for their lousy npcc day if they are still around....hehe.beta not expect so much la.maybe asp can liao.but still hav to salute other ppl.nabei.thats alota people.ok i talking crap liao.
to all those feeling sian bout sec 4 life, pls hang in there.DUN break down...rili.if sean lee can take it...u all can one la..hehe....keep living:-P

change of skin

YES!!! i have changed my blog skin....i took in complains from yuen gi, johan and more ppl that the words are too small.maybe they need to change specs ya?but then its time to change it...like kick out the scroll bars man!!!oso...fonrt size bigger means rtake up like alota of the page space...so i guess lesser word postings?nah...hu cares...juz scroll la...sorry marian....i kinda destroyed ur work within a few hours...but thanks for helping me build up the blacko template of the previous skin ya?thanks =P.

darned...first i wan to do something damn bad to my com....stupid thing cant access tagboard...and its lagging like siao...time to change to mozilla too...(about time)and the thing still cant access tag boards...damned.
u noe wad i mdamn pissed...ihav half the mind to juz giv upbio man.oh and i DEFINITELY not taking bio for IB....if i gonna die giving it up i will man....ppl say so easy to scor.sorry man..i not happy doing all that practicals...so bloody stressing man..i AHTE doing plants...its damn boring and bloody chimstuff...and having paul and sihteck hock supervising ur pracs is oso notcomforting.....paul is having that die attitude...everything oso die....i gonna drop it....oh yea...i dun care wad my dad tells me bout how useful it would b...cos i aint gonna listen man....iaint gonna think boutmor than one route in my future....definitely not medicine for me...its damn chim and all that shit...i hate it..
ok...not that i dun like core maths or that i dun like venu rao..hey hes a gd techer ok?but hell, i hav no samina to last till bloody 2 something...i dun care what it is but i switch off after 1...so DR ONG wads the poin of having more periods when ur students juz sleep in class....no i din sleep..but venu rao could see it in my eyes that i wuz gonna sleep...he wuz like looking at me and asking me if i understand....yea i do...thats thursdae man...then he ask me wash myt face...walaneh...u noe how embarrasing it is to ak a prefect to wash his face cos it would look dam bad on me la....oh man i dun wanna b liek shahir rahman...juz sleep point blank during bio class...paul had to ask damn alota ppl to wake him up...spking of which...ths joker not onli sleeps in class...he oso wakes up late for school...as in he can miss the first period...and what happens?nobody books him at all...cos hes too late..and hes always debating his arse out of booking..u noe i cant stand it if ppl go and debate their way...tryin to fight the system...i mean wad the hell man...there some jokers doing a topic on whether prefects are really needed in our school as iso la...wad the hell?and hes not a prefect...wads wrong with him?antiprefects...i dun see why we hav to accomodate this ppl...show no mercy...at least if u admit ur crime then we wouldnt b so harsh on u..but no, u muz inist u r right when u r outright WRONG...the WORSE is that they go and negotiate with head prefect....they think head prefect got fdiff from the senior prefects eh?they wan to show us that hey they can weild the power of the head prefect agst us(sorry john)but this ppl are juz like that....but let this b some warning to all the jokers who try to suck up to john....u can onli hide man....when i find u....rest assured that i will destroy u....yep..no more honours day for u..sit in the audience juz like all nonaward recievers
then sec 1s...wads wrong with these jokers man?fighting right in front of so many sec 4s...i went to stop them...then they try to giv me their kiddy stories..."i went away to buy a drink and then this guy went ot take my seat"i look around there were others and so...i told him that he says" but i already so tired"and with that he go and brush my shoulder unoe like attitude....nabei...i had HALF the mind to reach over and giv him a bloody slap on his face man....if u are bloody tired at sec 1then wad bout sec 4 heh?u think we having the easy life....but then all these sec 1s create a new phenomenon in acsi...their mummies come to school with them...as in walk with the bloody umbrella....so if i had scolded the kid to tears...mums gonna coe after me...i hate such shit man...go cry to mummy if a prefect bullies u(not exactly bully...i m ffter all a prefect...and this is acsi....basic discipline should b observed here)if i had booked him he would hav been the dc sec 1 liao..could find 3 offences on him ...that means DC...sorry kid..hehe.
npcc...lost our gold title...i m not surprised...in fact i had HOPED that we lost...so that we can WAKE UP...to the reality tha our unit SUCKS to the core...poor handling of stuff.the attendance is the worst...and ppl dun come for trng on fridays...they all wan the easy life...u think i like np?stay back till 530 or 6 in the evening juz to train a buncha ppl who make drill look bad?the sec 3 squad is so lacking in discipline...i m surprised that fadhli din kill me or something....these are future ncos man....then after trng went out for dinnner with tim teoh(CSM of ncc air), jamien and bronson....shreya the bloody vegetarian convinced johan and wan cheong to leave....spastic man....then go holland v and eat lor...reached home around 9 plus.
haiz...i m full of sighs...i m tired..and i sdtill hav yet to do ia report....a report of bull duh....did i mention that joo chiat tkd makes tkd look bad?yea..they do... i m trng with the lil kids as in they are 6 to 10....the class lacks so much discipline....totally....and the fayt black belt still trying to train a slamming kick...a flying one....and train the three za bo how to do that...alamak....i feel totally under utilised...i gonna get black belt in 2 weeks and they still treating me like i m brown...hello i hav reached the end already....i dun need to know how to do punching fundamentals...i know how to punch alright....and kick...the fat man is like showing his GREAT skills to the gals hoping to impress them..pls man...how ol are u alrady...dun u think u are a lil too passe to do that?some more sowing off that a slamming kick can break the opponents nos if it hits...IF it hits...sorry ah...in the ring...opponnents runaway the moment they see u lift ur leg..and if they allow kicking of heads....they will block their heads fisrt thing...its not a if the opponnent is gonna juz stand there and let u break his nose u noe?grow up man..hell even at ur velocity i CAN giv u three kicks in the side...while u onli gave on slamming kick and all that time wasted juz to regain ur balance...sean lee...cocky till theres no end....sorry...head got too big
the reason y i can still blog and not go for bible study...is cos... i m not allowed togo...nuts man....i raised it with my dad and mum and what happens?they gimme the talk bout how bad chirstianityis to them...oh man....like that oso wan to talk so much...i onli opened my mouth to ask them and then they go and rebutt with so muchbad stuff...shall nt write what they said...whole family is so unchristian like la....and cos of that....its damn hard...so i sin for being silent....oh wellz...i did try...
oh yea... xun yi cao is showing on ch 8 at 12 pm....yea...couldn catch it cos always show late at night las time it wuz on...oh wellz.....not to sound childish here..but gundam seed rocks....shall not elaborate
man, if i had sounded like a vengeance prefect juz now, sorry.but i m not.its juz frustrating that these ppl commit the same crimes as those i booked but then, they know how to wriggle their arses out of trouble....i despise them..try so hard to explain their reason..and those reason are totally illogical..and then shahir will ask bakc..why muz we hav this stupid rule?and blah blah blah...when the time comes for his dc...trust me..i willl make him CLEAN up the area behind the quarter cabin man..every uyo boy noes how dirty it is...cos everybdy litters there..and nobody cleans up...and hell its smelly...hehe....try me shahir...

sick....

"my heart bears no hate.my mind knows no grief.this new person that i m now shall love no more....words that fail to touch a heart shall not be spoken anymore..."
ok quick review of what i did the past few days...sunday, got a new pair of sandals at bedok.i dunno wad so gd bout the place that my parents love to buy ma piu there la.not as if they strike like that.betting is like false hope :P
monday, nothing much...studied with yuen gi and kangdi in the den...likie gd ol times.and yuen gi kept making fun of me la.tamade.kept playinmg all those unknown songs on his mp3 player.then he kept saying stuff that touched nerves man.walaneh.and he took all my projectile that i could have thrown at him like my pencil case rubbish and stapler....dotz.did abit of maths.then took 33 home.
yesterday, i mastered the art of sleeping with eyes open during ihs lecture.chao ji tired sia.then wuz so sleepy and i hd to sit in the first row of the lt.die sia.and that brian backside(chirnside)kept looking at me as if trying to catch me sleeping.then i juz switched off man.hoohoo.its a torture man.then mingwei, darren and greg kept calling my name juz to say hi.walaneh.trying to sleep with eyes open not ez u noe.its even more sensitive than dozing.its like ur ears and eyes are still active and receiving info juz that mind not bothering to process such info.then a maths...shaun choo din come...heehee.thank gdnes.i would hav died or something la.then after school went with mw to meet juandy at great world city.hes in sg from aus la.sec 1 cal;ss mate muz welcome him lerh.wanted blog at the macvs there but then the stupid com not working properly.screwed up shit.then i bought a mayday cd.the latest edition of shen de hai zi dou zai tiao wu.it rox man!!!then slept on the way home.then at nite took a nice 50 min sleep b4 doing ISO...groans man.ia wuz a total success if u count it as a drama performance where me and kangdi are setting it up juz for show then fake the results for the report.bio is like law.muz b politically correct.or u will hav ugly results and ugly graphs.shall not elaborate on that.we juz set up and then keep the thing.din bother to take records even.who cares?juz fake it la.ok back to iso.did the bloodyu thing till 12.oh man.while in between surfing the internet.hey, but i din blog then ok?then solid few hours of iso then do finish.hopwe sandra sim doesnt throw this one back.dun wanna make too many major chnges.,its a headache man.whats the [point of handing in drafts if u hav to even make drafts of drafts.this is still the bloody first draft.but its the second time i doing it.its the second dradft of the first draft.blah blah blah.and today, wuz a tire man.SO BORING!!!and paul cheong juz threw 2 demerits in ppl faces..tamade.neva keep bio set up muz kana.den offence is disrespecting school staff by not keeping ur bloody shit.walaneh.then how come ppl say "f*** you" to me i dun giv them the pink sheet?unreasonable sia.dun like.humph.....
and hell, i m sick.got a bloody cough and flu.nose keeps clogging upand then it has the burning feeling.liuke ammonia stench in ur nose feeling u noe.ouchies.and medicine ran out too.running on febs now.but even that has ran out.bad luck man
damn sian of this kind of life.kluang life is so cool.juz slack with the moos moos and the hi hors.watch t.shake legs.curse at the horses and cows for making their noises and shitting on the floor.wadeva
to zzz....i know i should get a lifre la.wad would u define as getting a life?its subjective man.yup yup.thanks fornthe advice ya?
i dun bear any hatred or grief for anyone....true...we are all God's creation.ya.and i m chilling.probably way too much.and to all those ppl hu think their sec 4 life sux.dun giv up.grumble if u muz.but dun end it.too beautiful to sacrifice u noe?
wanton mee store uncle is a damn bastard.money faced piece of waste.i order then neva prepare money for his greedy fingers then he go and dao me.waloeeh.,mind i dunburn ur store sia....or break ur store window and throw all ur chopsticks into the dirty pail.hehe.then u can slowly use the moeny u so love to pay for the damgaes and water bill for cleaning all that chopsticks that WERE NEVA USED.spking of dao...nowadaes hav to spk like a few times before ppl actualli hear me.walaneh.its damn stupid la.had to yell into bunny's ear to ask him the distancee of the light and plant.damn wad la.....oh wellz.....np this friday.and the bible study on saturday is finally HAPPENING!
still owe ppl $$.debt collecting up to 60 plus?no hong bao this yr sia.all use to return money owed to ppl.:(
but i think of this.i rthink of dickson.he owes me 50 man.and i nweed that 50.but he oso high in debt.so shall noit be some ah long and splash pigs blood on his house door...take ur time dick...if u reading this...
the three pl watching me blog now.one is yawing already...unnerving to havppl see u blog man...rili rili unnerving

another limited edition posting....

"...okok. to sean.its hard to tell u online lar. but basically, i think u'll read this. erms.. dun be hurt of wad i say ok. rmbr, marian is an ah beng k. hmms. i think really, u should put ur focus onto ur work and prefects or anything. coz i'm not a right focus for u. chill. and btw, u really freaked me out ytd. coz it was really scary lar. coz me, this ah beng, is the super straightforaward one. and i dun really like erm, listening to all those romeo kinda words.dun be hurt.i understand how u feel. i've been into that situation b4. definitely. u need self control. self disciline. hmms.. i'm trying to put it nicely all here. coz u know lar, i'm a veyr blunt person, so hope u dun get so affected. i know that if u like a person. u wll -ai wu ji wu- one. aha. (cheng yu cheng yu!). ahha okok. i know it wun be a burden to u and all. but i, personally, feel that its a burden to u. u do not know it. its a self-conscious kinda thing.its complex lar. the heart sometimes dun work wif the mind. but really, marian dun really like erm.. super pleasetn thigns. like as in things that those super girly girls in cine likes lar. the most extreme girl thing i like is erm market flowers? haha.i'm the more obiang kind. i guessed u would have figured it out.like ytd lar, really. was taken aback. coz i'm not da, i love u. u love me kinda person. i'm the oie! kkind of person. hmms. i can't express much through words lar. if u want me to talk about i love u ulove me kinda thing, lugy worse.its not me. serious.and pls pls pls. do me a favour. STUDY! o levels! u said smth about not taking o levels ytd.. err.. u not? y? haha. okkobut seriously,, can try not to flow out so much romantic language, coz i abit buay tahan.u understand right? sorry lar, can't express much. can't express properly.hmms. and pls ar, try not to have any judgement on sas ppl ar. erms, i not saying u have lar, but ur blog...... yar. so haah. they are all my hao peng you. really. so thanks ar. =)smile alrights. can work hard towards... erm.. trying to leave my life. =). and erms, dun see my buziness as trying to aviod u. coz marian wun be so heartless. ya. tcok. hope this didn't sound too harsh. ..."
ah dun bother reading is the print too small forur eyes.juz click abit la.*winks*

i dun leave ppl's life by the way.not me.its always that time buries a person so much that soon, shes forgotten.onli to b reminded when certain objects link to her.reminded that there actualli used to b a life where he liked her.soon even that will b forgotten.....

"andrew: hey sis.. hu is this stupit idoit sean guy hu keeps troblin u.. wad a loser man.."
would u LOOK at THAT?!beta not let me see u at rugby finals...even if i were todie or get arrested...i would giv u a bloodyy punch on that bloody eye of urs.peace....

thursday....did one rili thing thats so not sean lee.i unblocked her.then after all that awkward stuff....i caved mon.sheez.i said how i felt.nervousness canned up so tight and tense.mind wuz like a raging storm.i wuz like going agst all laws of my mind.so obviously, i had that half awake feeling thingy.body felt numb with all the pins and needles.( drama sia)this is some kinda visualization of what happened then...sean lee unblocks.opens window.said hi.then inside his mind...
forget:ay shes here.go tell her
no forget and wan to tell her: nooooooo..
forget:why?u nuts?shes seldom online.go tell her.then u actualli get it to that dunno wad brain of urs that u aint for her.
no forget:but i m afraid
forget:chicken
with that, he givs no forget a push on his arse and to the control seat of the mind
forget:go tell her.dun come back if u havent...
then tel tel tel....all the while the neutral is trying to push no forget off the driver seat.
not much of response and then go to sleep...somehow, no forget returned to the Source(getting matrixy here)
ah yes.now i dun hav no storm in my mind.but then,engine takes a while to start running again.oh wellz, small price
AND I STUDY IB.international bacc something something.integrated program in short.no Os no As.oh man.but still needs concentration.needs more work than usual.not juz bloody mug.muz do some gay research for every damn thing.while o levels?juz mug mug mug.LAS min mug oso can.we hav to work ourselves dead juz to get a few bloody percentage of marks.no big ol exam that hav o fear and hence study.friggin IB is bloody beyond textbks.stupid.wad de hell is so special about ib.cant even study the same syllabus.muz b SPECIAL.u noe?beyond textbks.bullshit man.
to that stupid spammer that actualli posed as me...i can tell that he aint some acsi guy cos no acsian is gonna insult his own school.i alrdy deleted that stupid tag.bloody hell man.dun like dun like la.muz go and show ur displeasure and do all that?
bother?i m a bother eh?yea well i M a BOTHER.wad u gonna do bout me?punch me?huh?andrew?u got a bloody problem izit?it doesnt take much to track me down yer noe?rubbish.
THIS is sean lee las yr man.maybe a lil bit improved.but still an extremist.even a palm reader can tell that man.but i dun hate no schools man.maybe during competition mock their cheering.yea but i dun hate em.self testimonial man.i guess i m back to where i wuz in january las yr.but knowing a whole lota ppl....and forgot some ppl hu they are.well, one thing is...i dun rili swear now.not like las yr.kao bei nonstop with all the explicit stuff on my mouth.bad.ok i feel like i mcrapping to much....
yea.i m guessing that bloody spammer is andrew.oh yea.psychological assesment.super pro saint man.no wonder insult acsi.but then i would like not to believe that la...cos hes Christian!but then again..so is sean lee.and cheng liang.and cheng liang swears like theres no tomoro.so i wouldnt b surprised.judgemental?its all inferences.damn well...i know dark secrets of others.juz from their actions.and i oso know bout OTHERS hu are like the one hu has gone back to the Source.they juz hiding.
screw iso and ia man...5 days to submit the stupid first draft and i havent even started redoing the shit that sandra sim crushed and did so many editting or ideas of editting that i dun evn noe where to begin.ah screw that man.
after the storm of the mind, what is at the end of the journey?a big question mark still....

back to civilisation

oh yea...i hav been to the wilderness to live in for 4 days and back...short recount of this GREAT trip...
first day,go school, go bus, go 2nd link, go to another bus, go campsite.examined toilet.food sux.no toilet rolls.got to know this instructor called munzo.kana bitch a lil bit.the lil caterers damn shiok sia.giv so much vege like no tomoro like that.tamade.somemore so suck.dun they noe this place bo toilet rolls.how u pang sai?walaneh.tent pitching wuz a rock la.then dinner and then the NITE WALK....heres where i rili tot bio would b tru.the thing bout the cones and the rods in the eye rili is true sia.its like can see in the dark lor.hwa say.but it wuz super scary la.no torch.no noise allowed."dun wan to disturb those inside the jungle"jian gui ah.chao ji scary la.pitch dark.and then john wuz behind me.kept reassuring moi lor.haha.then after that had reflections.then sleep.neva bathe(eeeee)
2nd dae, wake up in a bloody tent.felt abit shiok.then woke up juz in time for morning stretch.and jit wuz like going round saying"ho bo ho bo ho bo"walaneh.siao liao ah.then after that yucky breakfast and then....canoeing!!!haha it wuz one helluva fun man.in a lake somemore.FRESH WATER!!!.and the life vests were rather unreliable.any time can come off.haiyo.then we started canoeing lor.to find this island and get some survival packs*roll eyes*then partnered with john loh.then got some ppl capsized la.then john wuz doing the rescue work.hwa seh.then got too enthu.did the burst of speed...and turbo.then my canoe wuz like shooting all over tthe place...but then i neava realised that the canoe wuz abit the leaking things.hwa seh.then my BURST OF SPEED made the water come in somemore.inside and outside.then canoe got flooded inside lor.walaneh.then john wuz bailing water out of the canoe liao.then we were doing it nonstop la.and then this wave hit us....and then capsize....hwa seh.thats the fun part sia.then the motor boat came and rescue us la.and then...when i got on the boat....i hurt my groin.it wuz like "ooomph"ouch.wuz like ohhhhhhh.that hurts.haha.then they took us to some dry place.then we waited there for like quite long.then the boat came back and took all capsize victims.guess wad happened.the wave came in.and then water started coming in.and the boat did a stunt like in james bond movie.something that i din noe malaysian boats were capable of.it tired to go underwater.then it wuz crazy la.then the driver yelled at us to jump back into the water.then splash and thenthy bailed the water out and then ask us get back in.then they drove back to the dry land and then, took onli like 4 ppl?at a time.reach land veri traumatized.haiz.then lunch.then wuz rafting in the MUD RIVER.ARGH sick.cos the raft wuz neva made.and we ended up inside the water. munzo made us go inside and asked us dunk our heads.argh.and the ground wuz like super quishy.and my sandals broke.and it wuz damn sick.yiyang wuz like ARGHGGHG.damn sick sia.then after a while got back on land.felt super cold when the wind hit us.then go and bathe.thenthe rest is rather nonsense.
third day.woke up again.no morning stretch.if hav would b too shagged for...mountai climbing.hwa seh. tiring leh.nearly died la.wuz damn scared.any slip and its gdbye sean lee.or part of sean lee.hey maybe i would hav amnesia.doesnt sound so bad....would if i m turned into a vegetable in the process.thn going down wuz harder la.wa piang eh.so steep.can die ah.thenreach the foot safely.then got onto the techno bus.the bus played some dirty techno la.esp the first song.censor.thenhad all kinds of nonsense.alota dirty sex stuff la.then there wuz the treasure hunt.heheh.we were so pro that we found the most pendants.then we could go off early la.then alex stole one of the instructors marsa bars.then john wuz like yelling in his face to return it.scary sia.but thnn.its over.i wuz doing the turbo burst of speed.hehe.then bathed.oh man.i tell u the toilet doesnt rock there la.go funny smeel one.then got campfire.not veri fun la.but still beta than las yrs atc.then we had NIGHT SENTRY..haha.cos .13 and 14 go and do some evil act to the geps.then the geps wan to take revenge.then our team stole .15 and 16 flag la.then rui xiang wanted to fight.but then....the ppl damn bo chap.lose flag oso dun care.then we stayed up for fun la.talk cock with kenneth sia till like 1 am.then went to sleep.did i mention we ha bbq dinner?nah.we had.not so good.butstill beta than the usual.
today....woke up feelng so refreshed.then pack up and everything.go bus.shopping centre.buy onli bread for my lunch.the bastard at the kfc are damn wad la.one zinger burger oso take so long.like go mecca and confirm that its halal before wantingto giv to me.i had to demand my $$ back la.yea.i wuz a difficult person.hehe.then went to buy some bread to eat lor.then walk walk around abit.then go back to the bus.then reach customs.then blah blah blah.come back
and now i m here blogging.....the stupid campsite had COWS and HORSES.oh man.damn cool la.wanted to disturb.but then they abit daoist.dao me sia.haha.
malaysian sky is so nice!!!super nice lor.can see the stars.hwa seh.damn nice sia.and at nit wuz likew super cold la.brrrrrrr.then i took the best spot.the stuffiest one.all the way inside the tent.wuz kjuz nice man.shiok sia.then toilet business wuz taken care of by the great toilet rolls that the teachers bought for us.oh yea.the whole camp got to know john loh beta la.hes like some super cool head prefect lor.
now that the camp is over, i juz wanted to like talk bout this la.u noe the good thing bout being in this wilderness.it gives me the feeling that i wuz borned here( not the fact that i M a malaysian....second generation PR la.but still i own a m'asian passport.)its like i forget all troubles.ALL trouble.forget that i wuz even sean lee.that i wuz a fool that cant forget.that i had a life in sg.a troubled heart in there too.it all came back when it late at night.when i think back on what i gonna do when i reach sg.read her blog eh?then memories come back.i look at my hpwith all that inbox stuff.haiz.then i realised that i can do no running away.and then i go to sleep.and hell, i m sunburnt beyond normal AND mosquito bitten AND my lips are cracked....oh man....i feel like an escapist.running away from reality.i wanted to like really call her and tell her how i feel la...but then its always.something blocks my actions.its like some thought say"dun call her la, shes so busy.u call her add more trouble to her onli." then dilehmma kills me or something man.then another thought goes"call her for WAD?wan to hear it from her lips.ay u think hearing from mingwei wun kill means hear from her oso same ah?walaneh.dun bother la.wan b realist?wan to hear itfrom her directly?are u sure u can take it?", "shes goin on with her life.u are stopping here at this time period.u call her, u would b like some guy from new years eve.she wouldnt wanna talk to u la.walaneh.dun bother la" ARGHGGH.fear.something that God din create us to do.something that prevents us from doing things.from doing crazy things.no not killing urself.thats under STUPID.
rational mind?holding on to it.keeping my smile on my face.i cant even giv a tear.i feel so wretched inside.i dun even noe wads going on.i dun feel like doing that sutpid iso or bio ia.so chim stuff.haiz.crossed upon this song...dun think it rili describes how i feel la...

"Never Had A Dream Come True"
Everybody's got something
they had to leave behind
One regret from yesterday
that just seems to grow with time
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you
Somewhere in my memory
I've lost all sense of time
and tomorrow can never be
cos yesterday is all that fills my mind
There's no use looking back or wondering
How it could be now or might have been
Oh this I know but still I can't find ways to let you go
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be...
You'll always be the dream that fills my head
Yes you will, say you will, you know you will
Oh baby, you'll always be the one I know I'll never forget
There's no use looking back or wondering
Because love is a strange and funny thing
No matter how I try and try I just can't say goodbye
No no no no
I've never had a dream come true
Till the day that I found you
Even though I pretend that I've moved on
You'll always be my baby
I never found the words to say (words to say)
You're the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be
A part of me will always be with you...

quite an old song la.by s club 7....i neva found the words to say....thats so me la...i tell u i can neva find the courage to call her and tell her how i rili feel.i cant find no words to say.about how i feel.
i m like wrecking my mind with this dihlemma la.rational mind?still holding on to it.realistic?pls dun come and talk to me bout reality.shes so busy with her life. i dunno when i can call her la.....fake smile to show every one that " I M OK!!" is up.oh wellz.....hiding in a corner of my mind.dun wanna look into the light.....dun want to....

the joke

u noe...from a bad experience on fridae from a bad joke, i realised tht all these time i wuz juz lying to myself.all that confusion.all that bull.nutzos.mingwei juz started going..."after talking to --i realised that she quite chio oso leh" then i wuz "wth?"and then he started going at how much he came to like her la...then something bad happened within me la.angry.rili angry that time.i tell u, i wuz so pissed that i started swearing at him....haiz,jealousies are locked up inside the nice vault that he broke open..wellz.he unleashed it.then the worst wuz when my mum saw the com with all the f words, then she wuz like quiet quiet.haha.then after raging for a damn long time and getting pissed off, then vera stepped in and started singing his tune...great peng you ah...oh then they gave me all that bull bout blah blah blah...cant b bothered la.cos i blocked mw liao .then we had the three way convo.then vera started to act pissed off cos i wouldnt listen.(i can get kiddy if i wan to ok?)then she wuz like i m leaving and i dun f***ing care if u do dis and that la...after raging for like half an hour...mingwei started talking bout spy tv.basket i wuz suckered real bad.like dman bad la.stupid.then they STILL continue their dumb talk bout preparing me for the worst...wad bull sia...i noe they trying to help me la, but then, i m some stubborn kid.unable to listen to advice that would b good to me.damn, i rili feel like i hav two selves or something...oh haiz...i m a big sighing machine.i juz realised that i hav like 3 tenses in my mind about like or love...al with question marks cos i dunno howi feel...so...its like"liked", "still liking, unwilling to let go" or worse..."still liking...wan to contnieu liking till dunno when"the las one came about cos of a dream la...after that spy tv joke, i wuz in shock....totally.argh....this is painful man...hestitaions.dilehmas.screeeew it la.i hate myself for having half mind here half mnd ther la.my self esteem is super low now.and i mhaving a bloody cold.i SO dun wanna go to kluang.damn well, i cant skip.my hair kana cut till like some toot.yucks.courtesy of my dad.now i hav to buy wax to make it look funky.or i m gonna b soe clown with some weird style sia.nuts.spent the whole of yest afternoon making thatwardrobe.damn thing so bloody cheap wood.but i got a new wardrobe yea.then i wuz watching this tv show at night.bout the ldy kill herself cos of love to joinher lover in heaven..wad bull man.slit her wrists too....IS SHE STUPID?slitting ur wrist wun kill u...confirm one.cos the pressure of the blood is too low.still can clot.u dumb bimbo...u wan slit do it on the neck la bodoh.like that confirm kill one.the onli way that a wrist slit can kill is cos u dun clot it.thats all.otherwise u would suffer major bloody loss.and feel weak.but u wun die....in fact its a torture sia.dumb sia.walan eh.die so many ways die by this way.its the worst ways to die la.
tomoro kluang...HOW TO PON?walaneh.stupid.i hate this steering committee la.they dun een hav any idea they doing.no track.stupid again.let us off from such nonsense.ppl like paul neva prepare his stupid syllabus with sudden breaks in school days one.lousy teacher la.muz make up this and that.u think students not tired after school ah.i can barely las beyond second las period and then still muxz stay back.i kill him i tell u.dammit.
and somemore, nowadaes, having this stupid questions in my head.my dream told me to go call her.that sounds damn stupid la.like wad the hell man?call her and tell her wad?i love her?again and again and again?u think ppl wun get fan one meh.later she think i some psycho how huh?become another esther lau case.neva to spk to each other again.thats damn dumb la.oh wellz, u can guess which part is blogging now...its the in between for me.i m stuck.totally.i cant move on.neither would it b healthy for me to stay.so how?time freeze.gimme some time.listen to di xin ying li by jerry yen...nice song...
i still cant forget her la.not with wwhat mingwei did.i realised that it sounds like climbing mt everest.forgetting herrrr is a real big tough thing to do.a buncha thoughts.colliding with each other.i make no sense.long postings on my blog.damn i so dun wanna go kluang.i dun even feel like doing anything.stupid self.engine spoil liao.D-E-A-D.kicked out on me.darn.cant work.wan to think of her but is stopped by another self of me.so wad do u get.doldrums.go check the dictionary wad it is.juz thinking of nothing.system jam.com hang.machine break down.neeed repairman.and who would b my repairman?i wonder....
oh sheez, now i review all that i wrote, sounds damn psycho sia.wadeva.all i know is i cant forget( or its some tough task)and i cant work if i dun forget.and i cant work. i would b suffering and selling charkwaytiao.and i wun get my dream hp..gimme a 7260 or a 6230 or some posh phone that doesnt look like itss too big a screen or too lousy and obiang a hp....
hair still screwed.

tired sia

haiz.today dad fetched moi to acsi sia.haha.thank gdness.i tell u man, timetable committee sux totally la.20 min recess eat wad sia.speed eating ah?spastic.then ken seah took a maths period*sobz*i wanted to sleep.me and chee at the back were like nodding off la..haiz.then after school somemore hav briefing.kluang trip.at 1.when we dismiss at 1240.so 20 mins to do wad?eat ah?fat hope la.so crowded.then went to board room to try to catch forty winks.then john wuz doing something i cant say here(sensitive stuff) then couldnt sleep la.cos my mind wuz too active.oh haiz.then yiyang wuz like saying how sad i sound my blog..oh my gdness....am i dat sad? then he joked saying that sticking with guys wun go too far wrong...yiyang aint gay la...haha.hes juz acting around.then went briefing.then npcc meeting late.stupid meeting la.no discipline.ppl playing ball in the room.and of all ppl nicholas rao.i din noe hes dose type of ppl one.until i like lost my temper and then confiscated theball.hehee.ppl were running around.then ivan wuz like chasing bronson.walaoeh.some meeting sia.then all the posers tried to skip the drill part of it la..hey,,,i dun like xing long's decision to drill us ok?then during my meeting, i showed my dislike of david ang and bunny and maz tot it wuz bad for the unit...shlda told her that she wan to hav peace then dun vote la..stupid think vote damn power ah..u wait....i destroy the sec 3 squad rite in front of ur eyes man.i dun care if i get sacked la.i get sacked probly means i would hav detroyed half the squad.means the nex generation of ncos are gonna b weak..but oh well, they are my brothers and i cant do such a thing to them.okz....
u noeall that stuff i talking about on the previous posts?they are juz analogis la.wouldnt wanna think em as realityla...its juz to giv a clue on how it feels..yupz.thn this morning, radio played jay chou" jie kou" on the radio..man, the lyrics dun rili apply la.but las yr i listened to it and then i realised i liked her...nutzo sia...lets hav an english trnaslation
jie kou(excuse)...fan zhe women de zhao pian, xiang nia ruo yin ruo xian(looking at our pics, my tots flit around my eyes)qu nian de dong tian wo men xiao de hentian(las yrs winter,we smiled ever so sweetly)kan zhe ni ku qi de lian dui zhe wo shuo zai jian(looking atur crying face telling me goodbye)lai bu ji ting jian ni yi zhou de hen yuan(its too late to hear it,u alreeady gone off so far)ye xu ni yi jing fang qi wo, ye xu yi jing hen nan hui tou(maybe u already given me up, maybe its too late to turn back)wo zhi dao shi zi ji chuo guo, qing zai gei wo yi ge li you, shuo ni bu ai wo( i knew its me hu missed out, pls gimme another reason for you not to love me)
jiu xiang shi wo bu dong( even tho i dunno)neng bu neng yuan liang wo(can u forgive me?)qing bu yao ba fen shou dang zuo ni de qing qiu(pls dun use break u as ur request)wo zhi dao jian chi yao zou shi ni shou shang de jie kou(i know wanting to go is ur reason behind ur hurt)qing ni hui tou, wo hui pei ni yi zhi zhou dao zhui hou(pls turn back, i will be with all the way to the end)...and te rest is hard to translate...totally.heehee.ya its rather crapy sia....
then qi li xiang wuz all bout poems...that started the poem habits....haha.
improving...but still no heart to do anything...juz totally gave up on venu rao's nonsense..his indian accent is totally pissing me off la..i tell u that guy can crack a joke w/o even smiling..like today"is there any kind of repellent for aniamsl so that they dun come in and disturb us...u noe its like the mosquito repellent but for animals" wuz like huh?then he wuznt laughing....rili man.chao gd la.even de devan cant achieve that.HA.and i heard pip dropped outa ib..wad a fool.his reason?cos his mum doesnt wan him to go to kluang...wad?cant take a bit of mud and dirt ah?even tho i hate such a camp but hav to go is bo bian...tsktsktsk
so much to do sia.muz plan for camp, do bio ia(internal assesment practical), re-do iso FIRST DRAFT...spastic sia...gonna die even before i turn sixteen...and i still owe ppl the money from the christmas prezzies shopping.walan eh.qin hen duo zai.oh wellz...thank gdness i din buy so many prezzies or i would hav some pig head hanging on my house gate sia...and red paint on the walls.wadeva.oh haiz

brokenheartedness----->anger--->hate=bad

oh wellz, had to go to school EARLY in the morning again....parents wanted to fetch then all were arguing about how to go from sav to acsi.stupid..then decide liao.den my bro open his stupid mouth all that wuz discussed before wuz all aborted...so had to get up early...dammit, hav to cater to this stupid boy like some servant...do i look inferior to him? oh wells, from this, i discovered another terrifying truth about myself:all this time i tot i wuz reducing all that heartbrokenness, i wuz actualli converting it to angry energy and directing it at sas boys.i could sense it today la.in the scouts den, i wuz like insulting sas la.nobody would wanna noe wad i saed.could sense the fire la.then maurice wuz like relac relac...let change topic....then yun gi were like making me...then they were like saying,"aiyah, sean lee, y u neva call her and stuff?"i juz felt so dead la.i wanted to plan for nco training camp today after school.but then i felt totally dead la.somemore school end so late..i hardly had strength to go on by the time the las period starts la...bus 33 alota new town kia climb on the bus sia...beyond imagination sia...hoohoo.tomoro is the las day i can go there by bus.lucky sia.then today, quite slack la.so amny teacher go oep.alota free periodsthen can slack sia.then jit wuz like blogging during class time.then he went my blog, oh my gdness he looked at my blog and wuz like saying how scary i sounded la...do i sound so scary?maurice said i sounded so sad on my blog that even he felt sad...oh myz...then dimitri wuz like saying the ohbiangness of my add..weads wrong with it?the story behind this add wuz like that tim me and yu lyn were like talking bout a luv between an angel anda mortal.i wuz like making a story out like that.oh bulla...
slept on the way home.almost dropped my books and collapsed to thefloor( fell asleep standing up)tired sia...no drive liao..then to make things worse theres shahirs gaying around la.yucks.wad the hell man?bangla gay.then tomoro got the npccthing.muz do drill.haiz.ong xing long ah.i rili dun feel like going lor.wa piang eh.then theres th stupid kluang trip.juz like atc.but 4 d3n.nabei.of all places muz go there...goo la
u noe one thing i wishrit now?that God would juz take away the pain and not let me fee any more of the pain..i hav to reopen the wound cosits recovering the wrong way...i cant b so prejudiced against those saints..its not their fault...ok other than the fact that my bro is in there.thats one hand.but i ncat like hate em all cos of one gal la...cos if i continue this way, i m gonna b some sas xtremist hater by the end of the whole process..i rather myself get injured than they get hurt by the actions of a man hu has juz been hurt in love...oh haiz, that means converting the anger back...rather hard la....u say to forget u and move on.its easier said than done sia...oh my gdness....i feel like some chi qing nan ren la...being spastic.my brain not functioning properly sia...electronic signals going the wrong direction....
pain doesnt go away like that..not instant.thats wad God told me...one time i wuz praying for her...that He would take away her pain.alomst immediately, then He told me that its necessary to suffer to become a person...its like zhen jing bu pa huo ...
thats wad it feels like, fire all oer your body...getting too drama....oh wellz...going off

one mind:two wills

ok..lets see.i no longer hav any lock and key nonsense in my head.two personalities coexist in my mind: one wants to forget...all that happens arounnd las yr..u noe juz forget her....to move on in life so that i can work on my hw...but then, there is another guy hu doesnt wan to forget...to rmb...unfortunately, this guy is oso the drive behind all that i do....if my mind attwempts to destroy him...i will end up like some kind of lifeless boy...wondering around in life juz wad to do abt it...no aim...so i hav to make it slowly disappear...if i can.well, it takes time.oh haiz,its juz damn wad la.cant help?yea i guess...i m a hopeless romantic?hopeless yes.romantic no.haha.oh wellz....needing to recover.juz to check, i m not insane.i m juz feeling kinda of down.oh wellz
yesterdae, my dad met wqith an accident.thank God hes alright la.onli the van is kinda destroyed..and uh.i hav to go to school on my own.sheez.dat means waking up at 0530 EVRY morning.darned.,while the breother gets to go to SAV by car.wad the nut man..cant blame him anywayz...yea this morning woke up grumbling la.and oso damn sleepy but juz cant sleep.i m like totally lost sia.then all the new town kia and others were talking super loud( early in the morning leh...nabei,cant even keep the bloody mouth shut)then sundae, i watched the armagedeon show on ch 8...its so touching la..and it oso woke me up to another point...judgement day can come onto us anytime and by the time we realise it is too late, we would b in hell if we havent redeemed ourselves.
yesterdae, shaun chan oso came back to acsi...they went air room.i stayed back for fun la...hehe...hes wearing the same pair of poser shoes that i bought from malaysia...wadeva
then bnow the NEW cis demand a training session so that they can show off their new powers.new rank( actualli juz funeral cloth la) and throw weight around...u noe i m feelingso down now that i cant even plan for the nco trng camp la...and i hav to giv mazlind some report this fridae...this fridae , my sec 3s are on OEP, how to hav trng?stupid rite?do cis lose their brains when they become cis?lousy la...then obviously i hav to join the squad in trng.andbi so do not wan to do dat under david ang's command..i m like that..and somemore now if xing long try to prick me, i tell u i might not be able to conrol myself sia....gd luck to u CI.my life aint looking up la.its like stagnant.i muz do something....but i dunno wad it is...rili...
bb day wuz creap sia....thtey got khoo boon hui as their guest of honour...hes the bloody commisioner of polive and he goes bb day...and wasd does npcc day get? DSP lau peet meng..and hes oso bb...walan eh...the whole world belongs to bb ah?tamade...
oh wellz..the school com is rather tight securitty..YES i using class com..gtg soon....wanna forget bout her but one part oso dun wan...so...headache la....oh wells..

recount:memories of encounters

this are recounts of how i met her....not much la..got from her bloggie
Marian Poon strikes at Thursday, July 08, 2004 ,5:45:02 PM
"...today on the way back after spending time wif my 2 beloved friends, took bus wif gel. then saw sean.. from acsi prefects. he was in my team for june act. ahah.. then got to know my no. hhaha.then ya lor.. was shock lar.. ahha. coz usually take bus wi gel, wun go upper deck. haha. then today surprisingly, gel went upper deck.. so see him lors. ahha. so coincincidental. aha. =).ok lar.. better stop blogging.. got to do some research. ahha." first encounter
and no more...oh wellz...can still rmb.u wun find a posting on it...cos that time this blog din exist yet...okz..it wuz like tha la...i had to go vjc to meet elizabeth to sell her her ac superstar tick.then she so bloody lazy i had to take 196 to her house there.then meet her at the bus stop lor.then i wuz like swearing at myself for taking this lousy bus route.could hav taken mrt to eunos and then take 13.still will go the same place.but i had to take the bus.damn cool huh.freaking long journey.longer than how long i took to go to my house with 33.and thats chao ji long la.thn pass by kc lor.i tell u.much as i had half expected marian to come( oi a fool can hope rite)..there wuz this tingling feeling that she would come on the bus...but i still got shocked...cos i din expect my prediction to come true.it wuz as if God told me that la...i dunno la.that day, i wuz like wanting to show elizabeth wads being lazy...so i tarik haga.take so long.the longer the better.purposely one...so immature.eat lunch.dilly dally.then...right in my face sia...i wuz like telling God in the morning...ay dun gimme false hope la...june act zabo how can remeet on a bus...not some yin yue ri ji story on 933 leh...then He proved it to me...right there right then i kicked myself for doubting Gods power...and i got her hp.and thats one mean feat sia..shes the second gal i eva asked for hp face to face leh....the first time wuz fro karen..but then she daoed la...the second time oso wasnt sure.then juz stood up like robot and ask her....then got off the bus la...first encounter...
second time i think u would know when it wuz la...that time at the bedok interchange...my parents buying mapiu(lottery)thensaw her walking past ...and the rest is history...
oh wellz, those were the days...now.i dunno wad to say of myself...from a single person to two diff people...experiencing two emotions at one time...juz did finish some of venu rao hw...haha.second devan but not so vulgar sia.and i ate half a box of chocs that cheng gave to me for eoy camp...hehe...there goes my target of losing weight.basket.then...yesterdae, my family got a new hp...giv my mum...hwa seh so hip can change hp evry 6 months...but tis damn ugly la.2650..looks so ccrude sia.yucks.onli can look wonderingly at the 7260.bleahx.i hav this question to ask God:"wad wuz ur motive to hav this kind of coincidental meeting on the bus...y not jus let us continue our lives as two diff people.i made no impact on her life.and if i din meet her, i dunno wad would become of me now la...probly a fool that liked esther and then forgot again and would b some chao bastard..."im agine that man...that oso means i would not be able to understand both maths and all sciences.theres alota factors here la.wuz it beta that she din come into my life or would b lousy if she din?i dunno the answer to that...to this day, i always asked God that...and His toyotas( ok u rili gotta search in october on the wk after exams ended)
i wuz juz wondering juz now....if i had such problems like this...who would i turn to?not ANY teacher...le chern and cheng tho are my close frends but they wouldnt noe how to hep me...mingwei is always telling me to forget her.qian may sound gd but he doesnt noe wad its like..also cross out.nigel sia?hes too busy with his own bowling matters..tho we used to talk bout her...dachi onli wants to talk bout God.and he cant help in such a situation( tai tian zhen le)john i can onli tlak to a certain depth cos i dun wanna trouble him with mytroubles...hans and arthur oso.and the rest i dunno well...milton would juz tell me its ok....guess its rili me myself and i plus God....see when i talk bout two differnt people...this is the time.a part of me would ask "where is your God?y aint he comforting you?has he left you?"nah he hasnt....(i dun hav a split personality)ok due to the chocs i ate yesterdae...i had too much inspiration to make a poem...and i got the title from mw's nick....its this poems that helped me realise some tenion..or i would go mad....okz.cut the bull.

"autumn in my heart"

i dun care much bout worth
but when i met u on the bus
and got ur number
the moment wuz worth more than gold

i aint got much money
and i sure dunno much bout gifts for gals
i cant buy u a diamond ring
each gift i bought aint worth much
and i couldnt guarantee
if you would like em
the onli thing i could do wuz hope and pray

when i first got into this
i knew it wuz gonna b one-sided
i knew this love wuz not tob reciprocrated
but still i carried on
like a fool in love
i couldnt seem to stop
i wuz in too deep

time passes by
our connection grew more distant
our conversations were short and boring
i sign in during the day
u sign in at nite
the onli times tat we could talk
were the few lucky one i could go online at nite
your number wuz as good as nothing
ur blog wuz the onli way
i could noe more abt u
where i could offer advice
that i cant guarantee if
you would find useful

you always had this lock in your heart
that i din hav a key to
frustration sets in that
others could try while
i didnt hav a chance

i aint good with the lovey-dovey words
love poems on my blog
were all i could write
to hint of my feelings for you
all that chim-alogy, all that complications
when all i rili wanted wuz simply
to see you again.
to hold your hands,
look deep into your eyes
and say "i love you"

i dun hang black roses at your door evryday
neither can i get you expensive gifts
all i m is juz an ordinary guy
hu has fallen in luv
with a n extraordinary gal like you

i had expected to b the silent one
that would love you secretly this year
however,
circumstances force me to
reveal my feelings for you
at a costly price
our frendship can neva b the same again

now feelings hide by day
and coe back into my dreams at nite
evry morning i wake with an aching heart
the cycle continues evryday
till i can b free from this troubled heart
wounds may heal in time to come
but a lifetime it would take to forget you
into the unknown future i walk
with the feeling of autumn in my heart
for i know i will neva meet
another gal like you

written by unknown poet Sean Lee..unpublished and unknown
yea...this sounds like the mother of all my poems in the blog...has all the essences of my poems here....too much choc is bad....and writing this wuznt easy .hopefully some of the poems here can make it into literature passages for tests...yea wishful thinking.juz kidding la.
and i HAD some psychological assesment...its true that i think too much..oh wellz...gimme calmness of mind then.

the meeting things

yaz...today abit slack sia. altho today wake up to the same bloody ringtone on my hp.yupz.super sleepy in school.but the lessons like peanuts.got hcl.den PE.den recess.den chem.haha.got dental appointment with the dentist hu came our school, so skipped chem.whoo hoo.then yoda wuz like"design your own cover page for chem file...best 2 will get a present from me" then we all went wad wad wad. then my mouth slipped" light sabre"oh man, that wuz chao gay..then the dentist wuz like doing that ultra painful thing to my teeth.tot i could feel blood in my mouth but it aint la.heehee.then went back to class.then zhi wen wuz like the dentist is so sweet. then i wuz asking him where u think like that? its a facebehind a mask and goggles and an apron...wad sweet is there other than that voice of hers?yikes!!then wuz lang arts a and then b.then END.HAHA.then da bao lunch to np room.ate there.wait for mazlind to come to start the meeting.the meeting wuz LOOOOOOng and BORING.she still let david ang stay in power altho he din come for so long.does this sound like an injustice.then jamien wuz like telling me to complain.wad nonsense?how to get my SI rank like that?no more liao la.i think i juz gonna b content with staff sergeant.oh wellz.so sad.juz cos he took car of matters of his stupid geps.oh wellz.its come to the bad stage of us slacker united isolating ourselves from the rest of the squad.hey, wads de point of working together with retards hu wanted power and not the responsibility that comes with and oso te pains to go thru in order to get that power.no resolve.lousy la.go home.then i wuz like freaking bunny out cos he likes this zabo in hi church then tim teoh knows her...then i wuz like exposing his secrets to the whole squad...like...bunny u noe elizabeth ah?"which one"(hwa like u noe so many ah?)wong la"shes juz some st margs gal la" ay u noe which class she in or not"dunno la"4.8..hwa piang like za bo dunno much bout her shame sia.then he looked super traumatised. thn a few hours later...ay u damn lousy leh, wan ask za bo out then go ask ppl help u ask her...walaneh.bunny stoned and tried to igore me.by this time hes like super traumatized.HA.got a kick out of it sia.heehee.meeting ended lor.screw npcc. then all then uyo having parade this week onli npcc dun hav.make that land.even sea had parade sia.then iwuz like shouting super loud to all those cadets"i m going HOME"haha.then took 33 home.slept on the bus.tired sia.then woke up....at a place..called kallang station.neva overshot la
...kallang station...a place that brings back some memories...ok the dumbest things that u can do in love...nutballs sia.heres the nut thing that i did in the hols.on a wednesdae or thursdae,i went out with kangdi for a job interview.din get it tho.then i heard marian wuz performing at kallang theatre.a crazy idea hit my head...and i actualli followed it.i stopped at kallang station.then asked the bus interchange how to go.i tell u..i m a bloody swaku lang la...had to ask how to go.asked alota people.then could find a way to go.then i arrived at kallang theatre.wanted to watch her perform la.but then.bo lui.no $$.wallet had only like 2 bucks?couldnt buy a ticket sia.so reluctantly had to go home.oh wellz...simply the sadness things then..haha.now i see the bus stop oso got memories.its all a distant memory..
now i feel like i hav become some kind of dai yi long...or gangster.sit with the leg on the shelf underneat my table.then, use a whole bunch of chor lor language.mouth like damn wad la.but havwent gone to the point of insulting ppl parents with hokkien and cantonese.thats kinda bad la.combine sean lee of sec 2 and a prefect and u get some mild chao ah beng....i think i gonna go siao liao...paul lemme off!!! stop stressing so much.
played the guitar for qing tian again....some improvement la.heehee...muz keep trying...
man, i think this last crush would rili be the limit la....i m predicting something in the future...that when i actualli find a new gal...in a loooooooooooong time...i would realise that i cant find any courage....muz get out of it...like crawling out of a bottomless pit sia...well thats now la...ok now i m talking too much nonsense...

dead

man....i hav been feeling dead this daes.juz so tired.tired of this life.evryday wake up groggily go and change go school.stone in school.duty book late comers.then go class.listen to venu rao's indian accent.ALL DAY STRESS STRESS STRESS...i hav been spending my nites doing finish my iso.u noe, its quite hard to do it leh.i expected to b thrown back into my face la.but sandra wuz quite pleased with m dat i handed it in on time.but the stupid deadline got extended...NONOOOOOOOOOOOOO.iso board is full of shit la.then she kept pointing out the loopholes in my iso.i tell u i mcrushed.u noe, i totally had no more drive to do anything. i m freaking dead la.u noe, its like thres no emotion in me.i juz feel like a robot.alamak.even they hav emotions.oh man.wads happening to me?WAD IS HAPPENING TO ME?i m like zombiesish. i juz dun feel like doing anything.i dun even want to go to school and listen to paul talk shit about his bio being so bifficult.wtf he stress us for?hes damn frigging irritating.y cant he leave us alone?and he mus start theyear with his stupid plant.I HATE PLANTS.u noe i juz fel damn tired of all these.tired of this stupid life of wake up no rest then sleep with a thousand stresses on my mind.like wtf man.man, i m scolding vulgarities.dammit.stupid man.i feel that God left my side...its like i juz feel so helpless.like this is a stupid life man.i HATE IT.i dun care for others having a worse one.but as long as i m concerned.its damn sian.so many things to expect.i hav to worry bout npcc politics.cos stupd xing long is ci.i gotta woryy this and that.i gonna worry myself to death or something.my gdness.wad kind of stupid life is tis?bio is outa lam peng kwan.blah blah blah.stupid paul.wads wrong with you man?if lam peng kwan cant save us, then u tell those great txtbk dudes not togiv us such a shit bk la.or beta make ur own bk.out of ur saviourity poweroints that seem to know evrything.den muz do know parts that dun belong inside lpk.stupid.
oh yea....thats like not th end.u noe, i dunno wads happening to me la.like i feel so drained.so tired.i wanna end it all.juz end all the weariness.its dman tiring la.i HAV NO MORE FIGHTING SPIRIT!!!
love- a feeling that fills you up to ur whole body and makes you feel high and sappy..like u on the top of the world
jealousy-a feeling with so much anger that it threatens to tear your bowels out.and the heart cries out loud.
pain that comes with the jealousy-a surge of pain that comes from inside the heart.as if u are experiencing cardiac arrest...spreads to the rest of the body...so pain that u wanna cry but u juz cant....
i had such sensations during the hols....all together...multiply them by 50 and you can guess wad i m feeling then while doing iso...and then now...all empty...empty.totally.numb.no emotion.no happiness.no interest to do anything.wth.when john asked me go to the plmgs convention i din want to.thats strange cos i usually dun reject such offers.but i did.sean lee ah sean lee.something wrong with him sia.nygh invest oso dun wan go again.dat one understandable...u can practically swim in the blazer....
so lil sec 1s wanted to join npcc...juz close down the whole thing la..stupid.thinki npcc is gay n juz cos ncc air had some flight simulator program den they all wan join...i tell u they lying sia..when they join they all gonna PUMP PUMP PUMP..and nothing else.no flight simulator or something.
time to go.no smiles on my face still...bleahx.hav to update bookings or kana offense one time.great rule.haiz.
to whom it ocnerns, appreciate ur loved ones.dun wait for em to go away permananetly tht u decided to treasure them.dun ate them.ignore their faults.dun always go into argument wit em.bear with it.treasure ur time.

stupid school

ok...using school com.the one inside the classroom one..heehee.its not a if its not allowed rite...dunno wad would happen if bi m caught la.first day woke up.then come school.then veri boring...oh man, our motto for this year is rather lame sia " you are the salt of the earth" at least the soaring on wings like eagles wuznt bad.but this one i dunno man.haha.then had to stay back for bio prac.ON THE FIRST DAY.guess hu the teachr would b...paul cheong.venu rao is like the second devan.juz less thick indian accent.then first day of duty oso...catch late comers( i so totally enjoy it man*sarcfasticd smirk*)then tim lim made me book so many ppl on the first day.siao ah.then juz to sae...our npcc banner dropped.alamak.and the boy brigade go and put their banner in our original place.stupid sia.wan kill them ah.then had top put in another corner lor.went home super late.kana scolded by mum and sis...walaneh.den did iso intro onli.typed out.today, saw that my lang arts b tech and pod teachr is thew same.stevie!!!and yoda is oso the same chem teachr.lu xiang oso.so many teachr samae as las yr.including shaun choo...hoo hoo..las yr always dream in his class( oi...love sick leh las time)then dunno all his concepts...evryone would like laugh at my "huh?" then exam anged to pass cos i did las min learning.then yuen gi kept on making fun of me about her( he saw my hp ok?)then learned alot of las min math stuff..heheh.fast learner.

one las poem before i can actualli( hey, its distressing ok?)

"memories"
looking back on the previous year
i realised that my las halfyear
had lotsa memories of you
thinking how sweet the feeling wuz juz thinking of you
dreaming in class and thinking of the impossible
it felt great then
wishing i had been more bolder
scars from the past prevent me so
i juz waited in the shadows
watch you pass your life like that
meeting you coincidentally at places wuz juz
times that i could dream of
now that we are so busy
i realise that it all cant come true
jealousies that threaten to destroy
the veri feelings i hav for you
being unable to take it
seeing from your replies
to a helpful frend hu i tot would b nosey
i juz tot i had better stop
before our veri frendship gets destroyed too
by the jealous tots that the devil puts into my mind
now as we pass our lives
all i can given you is support
praying for you
or rather
i would juz stand in the shadows
and watch you move on in life
probly slowly forgetting hu i m
the boy hu loved you so much within such a short time
six months of torment would seem like a lifetime of pain
now as i try to forget my love for you,
all i can hope for is that
the beautiful memories remain intact
in my mind
for me to remember
for the rest of my life

shooz.thats some poem man.i guess that will b my swan songof poems...till i meet another gal maybe...but that gonna be a looooooong time for the stigma to go away...
by the way,paul is still juz as scary...and i had a vision yesterdae
u noe..if i became a ci, i wouldnt go back to my school man...no way, too much chaos and turmoil...i gonna let this unit rot itself to death...i going to the onli boys' school unit that hasnt got its gold yet...sas...sav is excellent drilling grounds...juz one round enuf to killl em...hopwfully cn guide that unit to gold...yeaz...weird vision huh...thatsa if we can choose the school we want to help and train la...haha.
and i realised i could play qing tian on my guitar pretty well...cool wad being in this state of mind can do to you...while i seemed to hav forgotten how to play qing fei de yi....its like juz lost it or something...jian dan ai oso...onli this songs i noe la...veri pathetic

something that i will rmb

ppl...this is like limited edition....come read before it too late.....cos the next time i blog... i gonna remove it....hey, u tink its ez having this on ur posts?ya so happy reading...

"ok. i feel that i've hurt someone. okok. basically i have.for a guy to like marian is not a gd thing. not being bhb or wad lar. but seriously, liking marian is pure torture.yes, i have been tempted to go into a realationship. i have been tempted to get a stead. i have been. but i still have and must hold on to my promise and committments.i've read ur blog. the names u've mentioned, the sas guys. they're my close friends. i understand how u feel of not having that friendship i have wif them. basically, i'm terribly packed wif activities. your are still my peng you. i wun neglect you one lar. most of them are frrom my church. lets say i dislike them to the core, it is the church activites that will bring us together. =)basically. let me share abit here. marian can be very irritating. if a guy likes me, i will not want to put high hopes nor false hopes. the tendency of replying slow is higher.i'll feel sad doing such a saddist thing lar. but i dun want u to fall badly lar. pls do not be jealous. there is still ming wei to support u. i'll be there as a friend. still.sry if this is personal..:".i m unable to escape such a sin.one of the 7 deadly sins.the new is coming up.anothr new target:to move outa her life slowly.man. i need time to think.i mean i can see from the signs:daoing sms.near one word replies on msn.inability to meet me for me to pass her christmas present,talking so much bout other guys on her blog.its like signs to tell me that its a wrong path in life"let me try to redefine. being unable to escape is not a sin. and y do u wanna move out of my life. so sads! but if realy u choose to do that, =). hoho. daoing smses. looks like u dun know me well. for me, most of my sms goes to my prefects. lets take gary for example. if he msg me. i'll wun reply. if anyone ask me a yes no question, i also wun reply. its the bills lar. friends msg me nice msgs. i'm happy. i wanna make them happy by doin the same. but theres alwasy stil the $$ barrier. i'm sorry.last part about chooing the wrong path. hmms. in my opinion, going into a relationship now or madly being in love wif someone is not a gd time now. u have ur o levels. so do i. ccas and all will wear us down. won't it be more stressing to have a stead. whereby u have to plan ur time to keep up wif the relationship. its not crime to like someone. neither is it a wrong path. but in my opinion.. a path that is chosen by and 15-16 yr olds, should be a path that leads to ur future practically. dun get me wrong by thinking that liking someone is not practical.liking someone is uncontrollable. u know it. i know it. i've experienced it b4. its painful lar. but the growing experience. thats wad we should be happy about. after reading ur blog. ahha. i realised that we are very chiao ppl. kp seeing u everywhere. haha. but i feel so sad that u're trying to erase me outta ur life? that's wad it meant to me lar. i also feel so bleach tthat i'm actually torturing u. haha. this reminds me of shakespeare lor. nxt yr, i might be gg ur sch juneact. maybe. so yea.i might seem to be some old aunty to be nagging all these wrds and all. ahha. but as "kids". definitely not the time. well. haha.my defination of kids here, is by ppl who is growing up. probs surfaced alone juz by the education system. thats y, very much like u, i would want someone to fall back on. to feel loved. to feel special and all. in my times of dryness. i wanted to go steady wif a guy. but think. if my act of folly starts now, my "first" wun be the best. i juz dun want to hurt anyone. even worse, i've ever liked a girl b4, and when studying, i kept staring at her. freaky eh? but only for 2hrs. haha. hms.. that explains the ah bengness in me.from the Bible, God wants us to live a life pleasing to him. at the same time, enjoy urself. make the best out of it. i'm not worth. it. hhaha. i'm juz a prefect from kc who can bowl. ahha. everyone sure has a sppeacial talent and gift. everyone in God's eyes is special.i;m not sure if by reading this it seems to be like 10 knives slashing across u or wad. but i hope u'll understand be and happy. haha. 2005. 10 more minutes. was wanting to type out the past yrs events. make it long and interesting. to share my probs and all.. but well, i think this is more impt. heys u. ahaa. juz to share a little bit more. when papa left me. my life seems to be like shortage of guys. my family, my dance classes, my sch. all girls. (aha. besides that dancer samuel lar.)haha. i still miss him. like duh. i guess i've unknowingly gotten over him!!. yay. but not sure will start staring at the hammer and cry again. haha. looking back at my life. there are many intersting guys in singapore. haha. once, there was this person. who went all to yishun to see me bowl. i couldn't communicate wif him coz i was the capt and had to set a gd eg. coz of the rule. =). another person.. when i was sick during my bday, went to my house to give me a present. when mama said i was sick and slping, he told mama to wish me happy bday. and left. so touchign right. there was also once. (this one is whoa..) in p6. i liked this guy. and this guy liked me. after alot of talking through paper and all, he hinted of getting steady. in primary six. i wrote back to him, saying this line and alot of stuff.." due to our age and ministry that we're in.. i dun think it is possible or ideal to be togheter now." ahha. scary ar. pri 6 girl.whwha. was painful for me. but we're stil in contact now. as friends. but i'm happy that i did not succumb to my temptation lar. yay.5 more mins to 2005. so scary. feel like withdrawing from the world. aha. so scary. 2005. sec 4.ok. i should stop blabbling now. and send this file to gary. ahha. should acknowledge him. thank u for helping me blog since like EOY. yea. =) thanks."

man, i beta stop looking at her blog...the jealousy lives on...like wowz.oh wellz, happy new year...no erasure la...

its day two of th new year and day 3 of my decision....like i saed the first tear drop fell las nite...oh haiz.talking too much nonsense here.a quick review...todae i woke up late.almost 11.i went to two veri painful places today.in the afternoon...my mum wanted to go sav..i wuz like no la.that time go liao still wan go for wad?but then lunch wuz tied to this trip.oh haiz.y muz she go and b familiar with that place?go there one time oso not enuf muz go second time.wa piang eh...in enemy territory.wuz like seething...alot man.fist kept clenching and unclenching.oh nuts.i hav to deal with my temper now.great eh?then to the coffee shop near there to eat prawn noodle.like wad nuts man.still linger there.den my sis go and call me and ask where i wuz...i wuz like piss off man.we stilll eating.u wan ppl fetch u, u dun go stay overnite lor.tsktsktsk.next, did iso in the afternoon.i tell u, i had to listen to damn alota songs to get the spirit moving man.its like i wuz dead and no life.stuck.do abit and lose interest.then listen to more songs...do somemore.painfully done finish the iso.or most of it.onli left abstract and acknowledgement.i dun care wad sandra sim saes la...i cant b bothered....deal with it....bleahx.then dinner ate at bedok.second painful place...ok this one is worse la.wuz like walking arnd aimlessly.memories that tell me of a gal.come crashing to my head.and i got a bloody headache.sheez.then it wuz gone.then come home lor...and the rest is unimportant.oh yeaz.
wad i wanna sae is...oh this is hard man...i juz realised that wad wuz locked up is not just some emotions.its like a whole conciousness locked up.the side that has love.wads in control is one that is bitter.full of hatred.no aint gonna split into some dr jekyl and mr hyde.na i aint stupid or something la.BUT i m gonna like drown myself in work la....hopefully bible study with cornerstone dudes...ok lets habv an overview of 2004
the good things...
1.becvame a prefect
2.marched in npcc day 2004 in guard of honour( learnt power rifle drill there)
3.connected with the scouts and am closer to them than npcc kaki
4.got to go investitures
5.got a new bag in july
6.became some neighbourhood kia
7.got to noe more ppl-in order....candice,avery,kai li, marian, ok i cant think more at this point...collectively...i noe more nhss npcc, kc prefects,more npcc kia.more tkg kia, and more and more
8. i noe how to play the drums
9.actualli touched my guitar again
10.fallen in love
11.las minute study
12. found out i could barbeque
13.became more civilised
14.actualli learnt humility
15.got more in touch with God
16.noe that God exist and he does stuff to prove that he does( theres alot)
17.could talk to God(YEA)
18.juneact
19.kc prefects ignite
20.cornerstone christmas party

the bad things
1.got depressed due to stress
2.got so amny things to do
3.fell in love
4.made a mistake of going tkg invest cos of esther
5.dc duties were a bitch
6.got daoeed by my dad for a whole month?
7.got robbed of my power
8.ez link card spoiled had to go make new one
9.fell out of love
10.iso
11.xing long
12.david ang
13. geps
14.moved to joo chiat
15.neva found a person where u can hold on and blah blah blah

vision
1.watch more movies
2.learn my guitar beta
3.go for bible study
4.go church
5.train my sec 3 squad to young leaders
6.try not to fall in love
7.MORE INVESTITURES
8.JUNE ACT!!!
9.lose weight
10.apply for si rank AND spf-npcc badge
11.hopefully still can get sword of honour?
12.create as much trouble for ib guiding board( stp stressing us)
13.form a study grp with kar kin and jin yi( with kink u cant do anything so no point)
14.more other prefects camps
15.noe more ppl
16.be able to talk to marian before june act
17.be a better man( no jealousy, no hate...boy thats hard)
18.ermx....do prefect duties beta?
19.be a pro tkd dude...currently i suck.
20.be closer to GOD!!!!
21.my 7260....
22.hope sis dun leave on my birthdae like that
23.get lotsa money to buy the 7260
24.hope the power shift doesnt get worse in npcc
25.hav more fun!!!
26.support all the o level kia
27.CONTROL my temper.... and more

oh haiz...nothnig to do liao...alll i ca say is...my tots are kinda cleared up.onli by abit la.u noe, i wouldnt wanna erase marian.cos that would include memories.beautiful moments of my life.its juz wrong to erase one of 2004 most beautiful memories.so no go.but i m still like too...i dunno wad to sae la....gan ga(awkward?)...like no face to see her.dun think i can hav a proper conversation with her.oh haiz.xin li zhang ai...oh wells, thats sad man.number one: cos i dun wan this to turn out to b some esther lau situation...hey both times with gals involved mingwei...and ming wei wuz a major factor in both too...seriously man,i aint erasing her...i juz wanna sae this to the dude that got her heart in years or months into the future.....dude, u rili hav to learn to treasure her....like dun break her heart or something....cos u dunno how many ppl are wanting to b in ur shoes...there aint any gal that can replace her ok? one in a million sia.lose her then its ur own loss....ok i talking dumb here...as if that dude is gonna look here...i sound so bloody himbo mon.oh wellz...no more daily entries la...skool coming....how to blog?tamade...

new year 2005

its the new year.like wowz,evryone shld b happy?its juz wrong that i cant watch the nationa's countdown party on tv.thats juz wrong man.its like how can we b denied such a thing?wad m i bulling so much bout my unhappiness...ppl are lamenting over unable to find their loved ones from the tsunami disaster.wad m i complaining about?my personal problems?haiz.todae...went parkway two times.one time in afternoon and one at nite.both times veri boring.like walking around a dead place.so bloody crowded.den suddenly almost empty.and sembawang wuz like flooded?and there wuz no cd sale or something.tho i wanted to buy the mayday cd.haha.then i made the mistake of going to the hp shop.m1 and singtel.saw the hp i loved.7260.yea.so near yet so far.wuz like measuring my hp pouch with the phone.den my father wuz like see onli la....(then i saw yinghui...he wuz like hello...haha.)i understand perfectly..pocket problems.heehee.then went home.my brother decided to go get some stuff to cook to like celebrate la....u c there is a blessing here:he aint behaving like some saint andrews boy.thank God man.
oh haiz...still day one of feeling desolation zone....now officially day 2.but i cant b botherd bout such timings.oh haiz.did i mention that i hav almost no heart to do my iso?even if its faking it.i din do finish it as i planned.oh nice.and i anit feeling the brokenhearted ness of the whole matter yet.oh my gdness.its rili put in a lock.feelings all there.the onli things left is the ghostly pain, neutral anger,basically sean lee when he wuz sec 2.ah but that is spastic.cos i wuz a bastard.hot tempered.its in a safe mode basically........forever.oh man.safe mode.for so long.i gonna break down next year or something.can imagine myself getting sacked as a senior prefect either cos i cant take it anymore or i lose my temper and hit some sas boy during finals or beat up gep-er boys.sheez.then i wuz listening to all my cds todae.felt that those love songs were like crap.not nice its like they calling out to me sia" i wish u look at me that way, ur beautiful eyes looking deep into mine, telling me more than anywords could sae, but u dun even noe im alive...baby to u... all i m ...is the invisible man..." then theres jay chou qing tian...translate the hanyupingyin la"gua feng zhe tian, wo shi guo wo zhe ni shou, dan pian pian, yu jian jian,da dao wo kan ni bu jian, hai you duo jiu wo cai neng zai ni shen bian, dneg dao fang qing na tian ye xu wo hui bi jiao hao yi dian...cong jian cong jian, you ge ren ai ni hen jiu, dan pian pian feng jian jian ba ju li chui de hao yuan, hao bu rong yi you neng zai duo ai yi tian, dan gu shi de zhui hou ni hai shi shuo le bye bye" translation"on the windy day, i tried to hold ur hand, but the rain wuz so big that i could see you but not meet you,hoqw long more before i can be at ur side,maybe on the better day, i will be a better person...a long long time ago, a man loved you for long time,but then, the wind blew our distance so far apart.its wuznt easy to love you another day, but in the end you still saed goodbye"oh man...its almost suited my story.crap man.THAT song rili struck me....unlocked it by abit.luckyh i din listen to the reason...theres too much memories of her in that song.oh haiz....i wuznt trying to erase u....i m erasing myself from ur life....trying to let go of so much feelings kept within this HUGE vault.pressure high.so even now as i blog...u wun see me online cos i kinda blocked you...and i aint tryig to erase u...seriously...the seven deadly sins include jealousy...thas wad i talking bout...i mean like i can understand all that u go thru...or mayb not...liking gals has always been both my bane and my energy...its two way bad thingwhen it gets too much then u suffer drug overdose....cant face you..need time to mediatate if i can at all.i juz cant face up to the pain attached....maybe on a better day perhaps i can b a better person.where the vault is open.and i can look upon u as a frend.haiz.i juz hope nx yr i dun hav to go rugby finals or any finals that hass any sas punks...cos if they try to b funny like that time at the police cup, i tell u.....it aint gonna b pretty.ah its the wrong things la.and glen...i noe u aint the sas things...( hey u think i wouldnt check this and that?its funny how being jealous would make you such a dude that check out other ppl surrounding....sheez... i sound like predator)and giving her up is the rite move i m guessing....ok tho this whole morning and day and nite it rained alot( does it sound like God is telling me i m making the wrong move?nah cant b that zun la..)i hav to...much as i stil wana carry on...i hav juz slammed rite into a wall....its not dark cloud its a wall....dead end geddit?nvm...nx yr transferring to siglap south for my brother and oso its sean lee frendly( yeah!)and oso got frend there.....daphne is there...but its sad that shes there...not with some good trng place like eunos...now i need as much taekwondo practice as i can...i need to drive all tat frustration out..vent it out in sparing...be some kind of fighting demon...thats oso i wanna transfer to siglap south...cos daphne saed got sparring there..well, time to whack la...haha sadist....ok i m crapping too much...sheez...muz finish iso....no more drive...blinking out... oh wowz, my teardrop is in my eye...knives wouldnt hurt my chest.but the decision would.oh wellz...

Sean Lee
12 Feb 1989
Christian

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