Saturday, March 31
Clarifications
ok...i dunno if this post is gonna be read by the person its targetted at, but as you can see from the earliness of this post, i am really really bothered by it, yeah so bear with my ranting
first thing, the poetry on my blog is not some expression of some hidden love in my entire being and mind.its not the excrement of thinking of someone.no, please... its disgusting to have such an element within myself.
A) cos i gotta concentrate on studies now and need every single ounce of concentration and willpower around.
B) hypothetically, i wouldn't even bother about going after any girl now not cos i don't want to but rather i'm incapacitated.somehow, i've lost all notions of romanticism.
C) i value friendship over whatever pathetic notions of valentine's desperados
D) i'm actually traumatized and will be disgusted with myself if i have feelings for someone
E) most importantly, i think with my personality all haywire and evil and scum of the earth and lacking in compassion, i think it'd a curse to a girl if i go have feelings for her. besides, i wouldn't be able to make her happy as i deem fit. so period, WHY ARE PEOPLE THINKING I HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE COS OF SOME POETRY?! its insufficient evidence to say so. non-conclusive. and i write poems here i get so fed up at 1230 am when i'm done with work or when i'm fed up with doing work anytime, its the only genre of poems that i know can go into completion,i'm not so powerful as to write those great urban poetry in No Other City, describing life or whatnot.
going to the core of the matter, whatever you've done has not only made me redefined friendship but also left me betrayed and extremely hurt. i am really shocked when i discovered what you did and its really demeaning to my impression of you, considering i'd see you as a really good friend. what you did was like worse than what some arses, as friends, did to me. i dunno if you were actually thinking what i thought you'd be thinking with that radical method of yours, but damn, its hurt me really bad and its absolutely misunderstood intentions. from what i understand of you, it's absolutely uncharacteristic of you to do such a thing, but your directness will allow such a thing.
you know last year, when we actually talked. i thought "hell, this could be one of our brothers", that's why i see you as a good friend to make. and i always help my friends to the best of my ability, if it does not impair my own progression, that's why i passed you those material to help you. i identified you as a friend in need, one that i know i can help cos of the planning prac i did before.i surely hoped you didn't misconstrue it as something else. i'm not some kinda ardent admirer. i've not been one since may last yr.
and yes, i do notice that change in attitude. the chance of my hypothesis being proven correct was kinda high. you were actually avoiding me ( for God knows WHAT reason that i'm unaware). i've been reflecting on my actions for the past few weeks and actually asked people if there're any jokers who've spreading nonsense around.ok that avoidance is justified if you think as bloody paranoid as me, taking the least possibilities and amplifying it, and coming to the wrong conclusion with misdirecting evidence.
and it's not my fault that we happen to be in the same place at the same time.its called coincidence.and i'm sure there's no crime in walking a path or whatnot, just to move from one place to another.its kinda narrowminded to think i'm trying to set up Fate meetings?(yes i actually thought of what you'd actually misconstrue)it just means we've got yuan as friends and no fen( which i fear to even think of)
come to think of it, if i were to actually like you, do you think i'd just hang around and do nothing? and make you feel uneasy and all? no right? i'd do recon by liaison with your friends and try to romance you isn't it?or try get your number(not that it'd help AT ALL!)? and with my past impression of you, i thought you deserved someone who can bring you happniness and i don't go liking people like some dog, cos i can only offer pain and unhappinesss to them.
all my past actions weren't to romance you la! its just a friend helping a friend and also part of my guilty conscience of suggesting some plant, and you following up on it but not being very successful.yes i actually had nightmares of retribution for suggesting such a unsuccessful topic.
but then, all that is misconstrued as notions i so do not want to project.
i'm just disappointed la.if there's anything you wanted to clarify, you coulda just talked. don't go around my back and do such sneaky things. i hate peple who go around the back without telling. just what kinda message are you trying to pull? that i'm not fit to be your friend? i have done some terrible things and have become some hollow hypocritic Christian, appeared as some childish fag with my actions evidently of some ten-year-old, but i still valued friendship. you included...
but then...i guess you think i'm not fit to be your friend then.cos this action was like 20 tight slaps that woke me up to this truth cos i definitely ain't in the mood for i friend you you friend me kinda game. sorry man, i've misjudged your personality and was absolutely oblivious that you were that kinda person.
we had some good times as friends back then.too bad, they've become scarred memories with just one action. call me petty and all, but i value friendship as kinship.
once again i'm taught a new lesson in life. thanks for being the case study.
escorted @ 10:49 AM;
Sunday, March 25
busy week
its been some time man.i'm like super tired. with the computer dead and revived, my EE edited to draft 2.5.TOK 4.1. bleahx. i hope i get at least 2 points for this man. ok although i'm not getting panda eyes over it( that's a lie, considering i'm writing at 2am) but the week's been busy, and i've been neglecting studies and analytical chem is so bloody hard to understand la...shitez.there's still last yr's stuff to go through. and did i mention expected of discrete andcont p.d.f is so bloody hard in applications.like GAMBLING.see dutt's worksheet and you'd know man...
ever had a tangerine dream
where the taste of chocolate lingers in your mouth
and sugar angels smile and wink at you
where love personified walks your mind like a lord
sometimes you wish shadows don't exist
sometimes you wish somethings don't have to be done
but you do know that they're here for a reason
without them you're a lumbering piece of honey
at night when i dream, the same person appears
in class, on the corridor or the school gate
the tune of "romantic mobile" rings in my head
as you pass me by
girl, get a stop there
lemme linger in your smile
put pain away and sweetness there
lemme see the stars in your eyes
put your hand in mine, lemme feel love again
unbounded unrestricted unstereotyped
the blessed feeling you give me much
only which can love in a dream
escorted @ 2:03 AM;
Thursday, March 15
Some oldie song
Soldier of Fortune by Deep Purple
I have often told you stories
About the way
I lived the life of a drifter
Waiting for the day
When I'd take your hand
And sing you songs
Then maybe you would say
Come lay with me love me
And I would surely stay
But I feel I'm growing older
And the songs that I have sung
Echo in the distance
Like the sound
Of a windmill goin' round
I guess I'll always be
A soldier of fortune
Many times Ive been a traveller
I looked for something new
In days of old
When nights were cold
I wandered without you
But those days I thought my eyes
Had seen you standing near
Though blindness is confusing
It shows that you're not here
Now I feel I'm growing older
And the songs that I have sung
Echo in the distance
Like the sound
Of a windmill goin' round
I guess Ill always be
A soldier of fortune
Yes, I can hear the sound
Of a windmill goin' round
I guess Ill always be
A soldier of fortune
it sounds so loooooong and regretful...hear it in the evening just as the sun is about to set (with its oh-so-glaring light shining in your face) for best effects.but i like this song...tho it makes me feel old...sheesh.
escorted @ 12:16 AM;
Monday, March 12
Thinking...
Contempt, dark impressions
shadows created to elude your true essence
blind you to my senses, allowing me to breathe
but the shadows won't stay in your light
negative auras, false faults
destructive ideals here to lock you away
to let me live in a world without love
but you always escape using the sunshine
plastic thorns implanted here and there
stereotyped roses rejected and thrown away
your truth far outshines these flaws i create
a meteorite that rocked my world
while denial is at the top of my list
your name sneaks its way from one priority
in one guise to another
Lord, give me deliverance from such torture
why does sleep overtake our minds
only to let me let you out myself
to talk and to laugh with
together with the darned chocolate
its finally behind all these words
when true meanings cannot find placing
in expression or explanation
i found out you're the inspiration of my soul
escorted @ 1:17 AM;
and so begin...
oh man these few days have been rather busy with non-work.making me feel so guilty about not completing my TOK essay and even finishing EE..mamamia, i need to go NUS library.but i need some NUS personnel man.
y'know its kinda sad.bio marks were like shit, chemistry not that desirable. they don't actually reflect that i studied la. even with that additional 3 marks that madam owes me for that IVF ethics question.it just makes me wanna puke.the whole thing man.and unlike those raffles people, i am actually complaining about bad grades not "unsatisfactory" grades.but enough talk about that.
being to so many open houses.kinda makes me dizzy about my future.it made me worry about my EE and TOK(none of that = no future liao). and whether i've been putting in enough effort to study, whether i'm gonna make it through the final part.whether my results will be my reward or my curse (in which i'd live my life as a bummer drinking away my liver as mark formulates his liver proteins)
the next thing that worries me is businesss and maths. these two subjects don't seem to actually click with me or i don't click with them(wadeva it is),i swear there's this part of my brain that's underdeveloped. the fact that i can't think in terms of logic (try probablility questions or business applications) makes me feel oh-so-self-loathing.like really cry over my disabilities and do nothing about them.yeah right.
freakin holidays are here, i'm still sitting on EE ad TOK cos of references and some really busy teachers. well its kinda vicious cycle.got no resources.she aint seeing my draft.and if she aint seeing it, she can't get resources (which she hasn't after reading the first one).so i'm kinda stuck with no pro-books and a really bad command of the language. YES, i gotta start converting to english music altho chi music is so hard to give up.man, why did i even change in the first place? nuts
awroight...happy birthday theodore.hope u have fun playing munchkins that we bought for you.what a way to celebrate 18th huh?
i need to change bag.(yeah, no one got me a new one duh).cos its bloody worn out with the zips all needing oiling, and its like painfully commonly seen in school as we may observe from some other people in the level.man, hey i feel like getting myself a damn twit bag or something.any suggestions?
escorted @ 12:56 AM;
Sunday, March 4
poem?
listen to the sound of the falling rain
washing away the sins of men
sometimes there's the occasional cold draft
with the dogs howling to be out
walking alone in the rain
with the cars passing me by
the different smells of the shops along the street
a kind of undescribable feeling dawns upon
the fall of leaves from the passing wind
a kind of sadness oozes with each descent
the pain of goodbye emanates
as i watch you walk away
construction and maintenance still goes on
while the bus takes its ever-slow round
a traffic jam ensues
as i hesitate to call your name
dark clouds still loom
as the showers turn to drizzle
your shadow a wee bit thinner
as your figure fades away into the dark
night time comes as longing starts to come
its the start of weeping that's hard
under this enclave of stars tonight
i send my heart and love to you
0330 now, as a car rumbles by
i lay on the park bench and start to wonder
thoughts turn blurry as images become dreams
this wonderful dreamland, where you and i meet
i can finally admire the sunshine in your smile
kinda another poem churned outa a sleepy mind.shit, its like freaking 4am now
.gotta go sleep
escorted @ 3:22 AM;
