Tuesday, May 29
sins
I've done many things that I didn't know have traumatised others. ah well, it's too bad. i can't go try rectify cos it'd all just end up going the opposite way.sheesh, what i wouldn't do to get forgiveness, but i know it's an impossible quest.if everything could be normal again, it'd be a boon but my actions have caused them to be irreversible. everyone's responsible for their actions and now i guess i have to live with the price.
shit man...CRAP
sometimes we listen to songs that were overplayed years ago.here's one that I found quite memorable.even in Sec 3 when i was...chasing another. this is the reason by hoobastank. hey, i remember we performed it at katong convent prefect's gathering before.
Hoobastank The Reason Lyrics I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is You [x4]
I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found out a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you
I've found out a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
look quite toot then.oh yeah, there's roshen on the guitar.memories of the past man...sometimes you miss them, others you just wanna remember what it was like then...
escorted @ 11:41 PM;
Monday, May 28
LUB/LUV/Love spelling?
woots... i've got absolutely zero passion for studying. i dunno if that's normal...too damn lazy. i took 2 naps in 2 days.
ONE HOUR NAPS! that's too much time wasted on sleep in afternoons!
i gotta get my bearings together man...cos bio's gonna be damn hard to score. and i haven't even started on IOC preparation and business. man 4 weeks seems like a really short time to prepare if u ask me.i hate periodicity.i hate huck finn. and i gotta learn to like em.that's seriously unfair man.
whatever
ok i heard this really retarded thing on the radio. the DJ asked why do people spell love as lub so it sounds like LLUBB. and then some joker actually had the temerity to sms in and say it has a stronger effect than the word love. i was extremely weirded out. like this guy probably got a degree in linguistic phonetics and got mixed up between lectures for atrioventricular valves ( i dunno how you do that). and he probably graduated from some unknown university in pulau ubin or something (ay don't underestimate the island). the lub sound is the sound of the AV valves closing and it certainly doesnt got any stronger sound than love. for crying out loud, it's some twit's coining of the damn word. a twit that didn't listen in class regarding spelling and pronunciation. the phrase "i lubchxxxx you. from lao gongxx. wil alwyzz rmb u 4eva" sound familiar? ironically, these people use words they don't understand.
it's pitiful when you mistake a shot of dopamine to the head as love. man like i can totally market Ecstasy already. why not modify the damn thing to make it less powerful and these twits can go lubch lubch lubch lubch and probably die not knowing how to spell the word. go take a cold shower. when a person acts on his mating instincts and calls it love, i dunno what you call of that. oh like i'm all testosterone charged and am totally in love man. like i'm gonna go outa the cave to find a female for some bang bang. THAT is degrading to both Men and Women. i hope our society would actually try to curb such behaviour considering it's still prevalent even after few thousand years of evolution.ok i'm talking crap here. try not to take it too seriously. it's from my observations of some kids in school uniform being all shy about their carnal desires that they aint hesitant in spoiling the school name. lotsa people would call me a stick in the mud but i think no matter how carnal you wanna get, at least take off the school badge or make it more inconspicuous. go parkway and you'd get what i mean.sorry for sounding idealistic.of course it doesnt help if you've got some sexy uniform that's so unique that people can recognise you immediately.
everybody, please be on the lookout for mosquito breeding points. they're increasing their numbers and probably evolved in our ever-increasing temperature (yeah, they say its rising and we gotta do something about it, but nothing solid ever gets done to LOWER or STOP.that's why they're called annual reports and not directives).i'd be damned if i catch a darned dengue. you'd never know.caught plenty in action (Sucking blood duh) not before the darned disease can be passed.and i'm feeling all swell throated cos of not taking care of it...darned.boys and girls, take care of your health.it'd be bad to go kill it now when there's common tests coming in 4 weeks?and i would hate to catch a fever cos it'd kill my few precious brain cells.decreasing my chances of retaining information and hence success rate drops.
don't get grossed out at these mosquitoes deaths.its either your blood or them giving it to their young so that those babies can grow old and renew the vicious cycle. hell, they're so damn greedy that they attack in pairs.(i know cos i smacked two in a row at the same time) and i pressed another to death(trust me, it grossed me out too)
bleahx.study mode on man.math's starting to bore me out.got tired of lines and planes after doing a paper. sorry for the short attention span.heh
escorted @ 12:47 AM;
Sunday, May 27
431st post
yeah...its freaking 3am plus already.
can't wait for the week to start again...so i can stop dreading the books at home and have company outside.
English is seriously my number one worry.ironically, it's not an SL subject. followed by business and Bio.all so unpredictable.
if it seems to a person that i can't let go, it doesn't mean that i am delusional but rather i'm too immature and also you're too wonderful to let go.
but then...like all good things, there has to be an end. i'm just waiting for the curtain fall.
if life is cruel in not granting us the things of your heart's desires, whether material or spiritual, then what would life be if everyone got what they wanted without knowing the true value of the things they want?
we're all hanging around in life, doing the things that we have to do. i'm just waiting for the train to come to take me to the next stop. God is the driver and i'm most probably gonna have to get on the train sooner or later
if i'm talking some abstract stuff or abstract-wannabe stuff, its normal. i've lost the ability (if there ever was) to write proper poems.no more
escorted @ 3:36 AM;
Friday, May 25
thank GOD!
sheesh... the chances of this plan succeeding were kinda slim but it did. my knees ache like mad.i'm gonna look for that mosquito for revenge later( for sucking on my leg for 2 hours while i...you don't wanna know what i did) but all's nice and awkward with my mum and us.
oh yeah. thank God for that last spurt of determination.my knees were crying out from my weight (i'm too fat) and she relented.thank God thank God.thank GOD!!!
but it also meant i wasted 2 hours of my time.shit...i seriously need to get down to study. i'm gonna like totally fail English, math, chem, bio(unless menstrual cycle gets knocked out)...
i am so relieved!
yeah, its saturday...26 may. happy birthday. and don't read my fatigue poems as true cos they're just rantings. and even i get scared reading em...you're not to blame
escorted @ 11:44 PM;
Thursday, May 24
don't take me seriously
seriously, anyone who takes my poems written here too seriously.its not my fault that u think i'm a scary person.i already said these are emotional excretions.they are intense beyond words. so of course they sound like from some psychopath or some sad desperado
so stop trying to read my emotions from here. you can't do it...my vocab is darned poor you'd most probably won't be able to feel what i feel.but instead get something crappy
its never easy for me to express it in words.even harder to show it to anyone.so why would anyone try to think what i feel? when i've only been feeling what i feel...go get some psychic powers.
hahaha
escorted @ 2:37 AM;
Sunday, May 20
rain outside my window
feeling like a fool now...i haven't completed my world lit even at this time. i have no inspiration to even write finish it la.i seriously hate taking this English A1 man.and lucky i didn't take it HL la. i'd seriously die.which makes me wonder about those who are really taking it HL. pei fu pei fu...
okok i'm thinking i've listened too much chinese music in the past that my english kinda suck. for one thing i can't come up with proper words and i get accused of coming up with bombastic words.erp...kinda ironic. and my dear teacher tells me straight in the face that i can't do it.well that's kinda honest.and she tells me that now when my EE is like all completed.it just really bring the worrying element of it back into my head cos my supervisor refused to tell me the grade evaluated.oh...the irony of integrity is that nobody really checks (shoot me for saying such amoral things) of course without integrity, we're all reduced to lil animals...but guess what? i don't really care about the EE anymore.its kinda too late to go and do some revolution.in any case i can always play blame game (which is the sore loser's way)
back to world lit, i think i'm seriously gonna fail it la.like this weekend no inspiration to do it at all.
sometimes i wish i don't have to think so much (crap, imagining getting all paranoid about what others are thinking; if that is some really low self-esteem thinking, please lemme know) or even worse, having to feel so much.gosh, i oughta like try burning a hole in my emotional regions and reduce myself to a robot. at least i won't sin so much.heh.
like how do you explain a feeling in words? i dunno, even my poetry can't say much.i tried explaining it before to friends and it turned out wrong. it probably means i'm all defensive (possibility of a facade in school eh?).it also doesn't help to have a face like mine. it gives this serious air of hostility when i don't smile. and i hardly truly smile cos there's hardly a thing worth smiling about.laughing is one thing but smiling is another( yeah like the smile in siddhartha) but i ain't some buddha, so yeah, i don't smile.
man, i worry that i do too little.my abilities may just be this much when i wanna do more.actions speak louder than words, so it makes me sick to hear people giving themselves excuses for not scoring well. getting familiar much? sometimes when you talk of others, you may just be inevitably talking about yourself.i'm of course guilty of that, among many sins.heh.
what really makes me sick is that there're some people who go and mug the Bible without really getting into the spirit of the whole thing ( frankly, even i don't get why people raise their hands and close their eyes in church. OOKOKOK I KNOW I'M FAR AWAY FROM HEAVEN OK?!) then these people come and quote the ten commandments to me in trying to convince me to change my ways about a particular issue.for one thing, showing it to me in the face doesn't even begin to form an argument with me, let alone justify anything.believe it or not, i seriously do not know how some people live their lives mugging the Bible without knowing what it means. you can say at least they know the content, unlike lil ol me, but there is the sad irony of reality which don't wanna talk about here.
question: how do you live the life as a Christian in this polluted material world where even the media is sin?
ok back to feelings...i wish i didn't have to go feel. i wanna at least know CLEARLY what others are feeling. all that stupid ambiguity of (angery? sad? fear?) is a sudoku puzzle by itself. i dunno how to tell you what i read off people cos i also dunno how i know.
you know what? i think i've been heaving self pity on myself all over this post.so yeah, try not to get all angry at my statements.kinda sleepy already.tho i'm happy i ran 3+ rounds at the red light district route. making about 3K++? oh whatever,i still wish i didn't have to feel.oh well...
escorted @ 1:04 AM;
Friday, May 18
Path to Independence
ok for ONE thing...i did not start the damn conflict. it was my brother and his STUPID big mouth.
and now i'm using the washing machine.but hey, its an educational thing, if not troublesome.
re-pushing my point that my brother is seriously a pain in the ass.
and congrats to those who got the psychoanalysis exercise thingy.like smartest in our level or something...
crap, we've only got 6 more months.and i haven't even prepared for common tests.and i'm seriously having no idea of what i'm a-wanna do.my english ain't good. i seriously dislike doing business( or i lack business sense)my maths needs lotsa practice before it can be seemingly natural..i don't wanna elaborate on sciences.
i'm so dead can? not to mention my amazing IOC and world lit that i haven't even got 98% confidence in.
escorted @ 11:07 PM;
Sunday, May 13
Anticipation: Minutes to Midnight
Anti-ci-pa-tion
What I've Done -Linkin Park
In this farewell,
There’s no blood,
There’s no alibi.
‘Cause I’ve drawn regret,
From the truth,
Of a thousand lies.
So let mercy come,
And wash away…
What I’ve Done.
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.
Put to rest,
What you thought of me.
While I clean this slate,
With the hands,
Of uncertainty.
So let mercy come,
And wash away…
What I’ve Done.
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.
For What I’ve Done
I'll start again,
And whatever pain may come.
Today this ends,
I’m forgiving what I’ve done.
I’ll face myself,
To cross out what I’ve become.
Erase myself,
And let go of what I’ve done.
What I’ve done.
Forgiving What I’ve Done.
something what i'm working towards. oh yeah, i'm waiting for my Minutes to Midnight
kinda ironical that its minutes after midnight already. but oh well.
I'VE PRE-ORDERED.
escorted @ 11:58 PM;
Saturday, May 12
another poem
the clock almost strikes 2
as i sit around
i should be sleeping but i try not to
it is not abstract,it is not weird
and it probably sounds desperate only
i can't feel as deep as michael shen
neither can i love like those people in love
the shallowness of my soul like the 20 cent coin
that breeds only Aedes mosquitoes
which would spread disease like some bomb
i think i talk too much
i can't say what's in my heart
neither can i control what it chooses to feel
it's flawed and imperfect, poisoned and polluted
i ask this plea, again
Lord teach me to love and let go
otherwise make me forget and reboot
if only to be a better person for a day
i'd give anything
escorted @ 1:47 AM;
Before I fall asleep
with a week of tests come and gone
our deadlines sure to follow on
we've reached the point of saturation
and after two weeks of meditation
i've only come to this
My immaturity explodes forth
Every word i say, every thing i do
feels like an act of Tom Sawyer
while i still live in the fantasies
of Korean dramas and movies
I'm living in the illusions of yesterday
Excusing myself for crimes against my mind
Allowing discipline to slip away like that
Making my thoughts stray, unguided
Songs that make me think,
Lyrics that make me feel
the rhythm and harmonic
gives each memory a tune
by which i think of when its played
I'm not fit to love
because i've yet to learn love
yet to comprehend caring
or even know expression of emotions
all within the limitations of my maturity
if poetry's my voice, i'm sad to say,
then words can't form my thoughts
with random quips and half baked ideas
all shoved in a hat, i swear its all bad
if someone should teach me how to grow up
i think i need a tragedy to learn.
not to sport black nails nor to wear kohl
but rather to beat harsh reality
when erasing a feeling is hard to do
i can't say i have loved and lost
when i didn't understand it at all
but the sensation that's grafted onto my soul
it feels permanent and makes me feel whole
such a good thing, but yet a bad one
at the same time.
forgive my literacy, i dunno my English well
i think i don't dare to even say words i don't know
i wish i am able to forget feelings
erase memories from existence
know how to let go of a good thing
it's something i wanna do,
but at times, i cannot bear to execute so
if memories should continue living
let them leave in tears please
hoho, i've discovered some shiok new dream therapy nonsense. at the risk of growing fat, drink milo and sleep immediately.you'd have some rest man.
escorted @ 1:17 AM;
Tuesday, May 8
In the middle of A FREE PERIOD
yup, ms dorton's not here.so i'm kinda using kangdi's laptop to kill some time...
man, i just saw the schedule for common test. it kinda sucks man.the school should go and model the schedule after that of the real exams to actually simulate a real exam-like situation so that students can feel more "into it"
oooh, npcc day was smooth.like one of the last few times i'd be wearing uniform man. next time would most probably be national day or something.erpz...
i've actually been thinking man: what is a broken heart but just a person not being able to get his wishes? what is unrequitted love but just a series of biochemical errors that evolve into feelings for the wrong person? most importantly, if love is something based on a buncha chemicals, wouldn't that kinda be prevented by inhibiting the action of these transmitters? then, isn't love a result(or error) founded on biochemicals? that kinda kills all that special stuff surounding love, and its something michael wouldnt agree with, considering he's like some ambassador for the cupid agency that made romeo and juliet.
then when you think of the movie doom, which stated that the last 5% of the human genome codes for the soul. that kinda kills any spirituality. but think about it. some people have a predisposition to evil and to good, but they dunno it. ask your mother what you did as a kid before you could remember. its this latent nonsense that set me thinking.i'm actually quite puzzled that the soul could actually be coded for in some mRNA and translated to a buncha neurotransmitters that affect how the brain thinks, it probably even has pheromes that are detected on a sublimal level, without even you realising it. hence when some one says a soul is beautiful, are they talking about how your brain thinks and the use of neuroransmitters in that or rather something on a spiritual level? not to be all atheist and destroy spirituality without any backup but it also means joy and love that you experience is actually a buncha neurotransmitters in your head. man, that's gotta suck. but there's this question about the soul gene...is it the soul that translates into the gene of the human mind or the soul gene that allows us to perceive this entity as a soul?
hell, there's maths test and crapping english paper 2 taht i have no idea about.
shitez
escorted @ 10:01 AM;
Tuesday, May 1
All's said and done
sheesh, today school was one kinda tough day. with a hard core 1h 40 mins perriod of math...i almost died man. oh don't get me wrong, sometimes it gets you so fed up that there're questions you dunno how to do.and it feels even sicker to admit that.its like "HO! i dunno how to do about half of the P and C worksheet of probability. about 5 questions are like bad English (or izit mine?) and the other 3 are conceptual problems." meaning i have like some parts of this stupid topic that i can't really get. man seriously, what do u apply with P and C in probability? i know its so fun with applying formula with normalcdf blah blah blah on the calculator but i dunno the bloody rationale and logic behind. and if i think too hard, i'd probably get a headache.
next up is the English. sheesh, my world lit essay got shot down.like literally. its just dead man.ok it wasn't much alive to begin with.ah but it's so demoralizing. got IAs to finish. CHEM IAs all so unsure. business haven't seen much of finality. bio owes about 4-5 pracs. there's still tests. come to think of it, now maths is the least stress one. cos it doesn't have aNYMORE DEADLINES! HAHA. throw the damn sars data as the last one and there're no more mindcracking skills for maths except for finals.
my bio jus needs to complete those damnable filler pracs to get the hours.i'm oh so fed up cos it means i gotta make decent report (well you can't just put C and E and that's it right? like errors of experiment: NO DATA. improvements: get the damn data. conclusion: non-conclusive cos no DATA) now gettin the data is harder than you think. for one thing i hate plants, secondly, i can't draw for nuts.when there's a prac that demands so, i faint. then there's that prickly prac that's all complicated in data. and the temperature that's really lousy and complex. that stupid soil respiration aint gettin anywhere cos i'm probably too lazy to find.business IA? everything's uncertain. Chem sure won't get full marks considering my planning (a) is so bad. don't laugh.it's a far cry from my bio ones.aish.
the worst of them all.the terror of the subjects. the pains in the ass of the pains in the asses of students( whatever that means) ENGLISH!!! world lit 2 texts. IOC 30+++ extracts to actually study and note down and do impromptu commentary oratorically. need i say i got slammed for doing the wrong thing. seriously, i'm not a fan of commentary. i don't really care even half a hoot for what poet's trying to say with his dying fingers on his death bed with that stupid alliteration or imagery or "iambic pentameter". call me a lit heathen but hell, i got no patience to stop and admire the FORM of words. gosh, what kinda century are we livin in that we read huckleberry finn? of course its the great american novel...but is it really student-friendly. even my lit critic good friend, reuben, says its a pain in the ass finishing the book.cos why? its like swallowing a huge baguette without water in 60s.(go delifrance and ask for the big long one. you'd get what i mean) oooh, need i mention the EXCELLENT teach less learn more style in classroom when preparing such texts.i find it extremely challenging and self-fulfilling to actually go find out what mark twain eat and what kinda English he was speaking to write of such insane grammar just to show his directness( it'd be boring to just read it like some English novel as if it aint bad enuf).note my sarcasm. its dripping wet here.like maybe, i do not display the maturity to understand the intentions of the EL department with their prime choice of literary works. i seriously appreciate their heart behind it tho the list needs to be corrected abit. NO HUCK FINN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. on second thoughts, it'd only be the juniors that'd be eating the baguette. don't get me wrong here. i'm not insulting them, but rather i'm complaining of the text. frankly, i don't get around to appreciating such texts. call me a Neanderthal but i'm more of a fan of moving pictures and crass with shitty and crappy novels.
student council results came out.like almost ALL my female votes got wasted man.especially that girl that talked about our misogynist culture.man like i voted for her just cos she had the balls (no pun intended) to say such stupid things in a male-dominated culture.and it only served to off-balance the other billion negative votes she got from the rest of the students cos they thought she was bullshitting( ok, that is true. like she's gonna start a "burn your bras" movement anytime at the rate she's going OR people just don't like her guts). frankly, these kinda people don't learn until they've actually gone and tried and failed and die knowing they can't change a damn thing. not to mention bring about super change like "don't hate the women, hate the bra". ok i meant that as an exaggeration.like there's this HUGE factor she didnt really see. and man, you can't blame her considering she's spend at least 4 years, institutionalized to be surrounded with females. that factor would be ACS? our culture.hoosh, if she planned to overthrow the culture, she might as well be better off hitting the wall. at least the wall crumbles one day. and WE'RE NOT A MISOGYNIST SOCIETY!!! besides that, i feel sorry for this mayeleanor cos her flowers and stuff cost money.LOTS( i voted cos she planted flowers like maybe 3 times in her campaign early in morning. admirable) the $$ is so not worth it.ACS, you've killed a dream.ahh.but that's life. dreams die and be born. all the same.gotta be realistic.ahh, all the excitement about the council stuff.
and now we're going into neurobiology for bio(duh),and i keep giving people impression that i'm some emotional creature.ooooohhh, that's something i didn't even know myself. and its something to do with my lefthandedness. i find it extremely hard to believe, considering i'm throwing verbal abuse pinmissiles at people with little regard for their feelings. i'm sURE that's my empathetic side. absolutely in full awareness of others' feelings.why i create such desolation (exaggeration) around me? i also dunno.maybe i'm sadistic and sick in the mind yeah?
i'm so so so so so so sick of waking up to a same old day. with tiredness ruling my mind at the end.omg, that's like super life man.and i'm super scared for option G. cos chromatography can't catch no balls for me. stat phase, mobile phase. blah blah blah.whatever
i've converted to english music these days. to prepare for linkin park's minutes to midnight album.hooo the first single "what i've done" sounds good to eat.
ok i think i've talked too much here. good nights man
escorted @ 1:06 AM;
